Taking It Mobile

I've been playing blogger hooky for the last little while. It's been due to a combination of circumstances that I'm hoping are beginning to weed themselves out.

I've been a little on the Debbie Downer side of things lately. I got formally diagnosed with fibromyalgia two weeks ago. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and pain, and depression has reared its ugly head. I haven't wanted my crummy attitude to bleed over into the blog and I'm horrible about not letting it affect my writing, so I've just been avoiding it.

I hate not keeping up with the things I have planned, so being behind on posts is killing me. I have 2 book reviews to do (which will be 3 by the time I get one written) and I have somewhere around 8 project posts to put together. Sad, but true.

Why am I telling you this? Well...another of the circumstances is simply in my laziness. My laptop went to computer heaven over a year ago and Collin takes his laptop with him when he goes to work. That means that the majority of posts require me to work upstairs in the scrapbook room (along with the fact that it's where my pictures are stored).

I don't mind going upstairs, but I much prefer the couch or my bed, so it's really easy for me to put it off. Sad, but true as well. (Hey, I'm nothing if not brutally honest here.)

I'm a little slow to the party, but I have now installed Blogger on my phone. Yay! It's not as easy as a laptop-my typing speed is significantly slower-but it should allow me to get posts partially prepared in little moments throughout the day. I like that idea. We'll see how it pans out.

If this post turns out ugly, don't blame me...blame the iPhone...

Summary Sunday - Mystery Diagnosis Edition

It's been kind of an odd week. I'll just throw that out there right away. It was a little rough to get back in the swing of things at work and it still doesn't feel like it should be January. Especially since there is NO SNOW on the ground. It's getting a little ridiculous.

It was a trying week for me. For those of you who don't know, I've been dealing with some joint and nerve pain since the summer. It got really bad just prior to Christmas and I've been feeling a lot of discomfort. By the end of my half day work day on Thursday, I was in tears. It doesn't help that my insurance has yet to approve the medication my doc wants to put me on.

I finally got into the rheumatologist this week (after a four month wait) only to find out that she's 99% sure that I don't have rheumatoid arthritis (the likely diagnosis my regular doc was working off of). She says there is definitely something wrong, but my symptoms don't point in a clear direction. Right now it's most likely leaning towards lupus or fibromyalgia. So...more tests for me.

I got Swiss cheesed on Friday and they drew out about a gallon of blood to run a crap load of panels. I go in for nerve testing next Thursday and start physical therapy on Friday. Whee! (FYI...I'm a horrible patient. I hate taking meds and I really hate exercise. I'm lazy like that.)

But...today the pain is down to a 3 with the help of some ibuprofen, so I'm more or less back in the swing of things. I'm giving you the background of the week as an excuse for why I've accomplished virtually nothing...other than about ten blog posts. :)

Posts I Posted : Okay. So I may have gone slightly overboard on posts this week, but things just lined up this way. I finished off the 2011 Book of the Year challenge with a crazy three posts on the 2nd in order to break down the bracket into the Sweet Sixteen, Quarterfinals and Finals. I have to say that I'm pretty happy with the results.

Books I Read : I managed to finish and review two books this week : Lift and Clockwork Angel.  Dairan also did his very first review - of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. He starts this week out with his review of the second book in the series, The Sea of Monsters. He says he's pretty excited to start his bracket next week. Thanks to those of you who have commented on his posts. He's really enjoying it.

Projects I Completed : I got started on my Smash and Project Life albums this week. I'll be posting some of that along with starting the Christmas Project posts this coming week. This week I gave you a sneak peek by showing you photos of the resulting projects. I've also started putting together my project and blog planner binder to plan out the things I hope to finish this year. I have some pretty neat stuff on the list so far.

Recipes I Used : Okay...I'm kind of cheating here, but I forgot to put it on last week so I'm sharing it now. For New Year's Eve I made Crockpot Buffalo Chicken using a recipe I found on Pinterest. It was crazy delicious and we've been eating off of it all week. Collin says it's great in a breakfast burrito with eggs and ham too. I just had sandwiches with Monterrey jack cheese. Yum. We're all big fans.

Favorite Post of the Week : Guess what?!?! I'm actually reading blog posts again. Crazy right? Anyway, I don't have particular posts to share, but I want to share three new sites courtesy of my Twitter friend and fellow blogger, Shalini. She's big on books and she reads blogs from three other crazy readers who do reviews as they read. They've been fantastic from what I've read so far. So go check out Shalini's Reading (and chickens) blog as well as Hilarity in Shoes, Princess Nebraska and Everyday Reading.

Favorite Thing on the Internet : Okay...I know I'm a little slow to the party, but I have recently become (overly) exposed to George Takei (you know, Sulu from Star Trek). The man is HILARIOUS! He has his own website, blog, YouTube channel, Facebook and Twitter. What started it all for me was this video...

Enjoy! Oh...and I'm not a huge Star Trek fan...but go ahead and "live long and prosper".

Bipolar Disorder Can Suck It

Well...story of my life...I'm deviating from the plan. I was meant to write about how and why to inventory prior to meal planning...but that won't be happening. Today is a rough day.

This is somewhat how I feel today.

Some of you may already know about my struggles, either because you really know me closely or because you've dug into the old archives of this blog (stalkers...). Well, today is one of my rough days. I'm somewhat hesitant to even complete this post, but I think it might be important. I have spoken about my issues before (I hate to call it an illness), but that was before there were actually people who read this blog. Now with traffic picking up I'm not sure how to balance it. There are people out there who are wonderful and supportive and understanding, but there are also others who don't really understand it at all. I'm a professional, having something be mentally "off" about me could cost me patients, business, income. It's scary in a time where things are already tough at the office.

I'm terrified to do this - I don't want any of you to think less of me, to walk away from this blog thinking...Wow. That lady has serious issues. I always worry about what everyone else will think of me - even those who are the closest to me. I'm worried about losing it all.

For those of you who are already lost and confused I guess I'll suck it up and just be blunt. I have a mental illness. I have an anxiety disorder and I've been diagnosed in the past with depression and bipolar disorder, type 2. To be frank, the docs don't really have a firm handle on what to call me. I'm not a typical bipolar. Bipolar type 2 is less about the manic stuff and is characterized more by the depressive periods. I don't hear voices, I don't have hallucinations. I guess the best way to say it is to say that I don't always have control over how I feel about myself. It's important to understand that this doesn't mean that I can't function. It doesn't mean I can't be responsible or "professional" or reliable. I am very capable of doing the job I do and I am very capable of living a normal life. I just have days that are more difficult than others.

Here's the story of today. I could feel it coming on yesterday. I'll be honest. I've learned to recognize the signs. I am on medication - for those who are interested - and so I stay on an even keel most of the time. I am also very good at hiding my illness (Ick. Seriously. Hate calling it that.) from those who know me but don't know me. Sometimes I'm even good at hiding it from my family and closest of friends.

Last night I could just feel the weight. It's hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it, but I just feel heavier. Like there is a lead blanket on my shoulders holding me down. I find it harder to breathe, to move. I just start operating slower. I started to get the hint of a migraine so I did the best to nip it in the bud. I kept the migraine from going full force by laying in bed and keeping the lights low, television off. But I didn't stop it all.

This morning I knew it the second I woke up. I just wanted to burrow back down in my bed. I tried to get up. I tried to prompt myself to just move and shake it off. To an extent I suppose I succeeded. I ate breakfast, fed the dogs and took a shower. It's sad to say this, but I consider the fact that I took a shower on a day like today a pretty good accomplishment.

At that point I stalled out slightly. When I'm in this kind of a mood if I get something stuck in my head it just won't go away. Picking out clothes I had decided that I wanted to wear a particular white shirt and jeans. I really wanted a specific sweatshirt, but I knew it was in the wash. I was able to let that go. Unfortunately, this is when I discovered that the shirt I wanted was also in the wash. Sadly, I almost melted down. I kept telling myself to breathe, that it's okay - it's just a shirt - pick another one - you're not going anywhere today anyway - who are you trying to impress? That's how the thoughts go. Racing, crazy but at the same time recognizing the crazy and trying to stop it. That's the hard part. You don't have to tell me that these actions are nuts. I already know it. That makes it a hundred times worse. I feel stupid and inept. Who loses it over a stupid white t-shirt? It's freaking crazy.

Then it morphed. Enter the anxiety. Collin is on shift for the next 24 hours. I know he's at work. I'm aware of what he's doing. But my mind doesn't care. It just starts winding up. What else could be going on? What other crazy ideas can come in? Maybe he's not at work. Maybe he lied. Maybe he's off with friends. Maybe he's off with some other girl. Maybe he doesn't really love me. Blah, blah, blah. It's freaking psychotic. I hate it. Especially since at the same time I'm telling myself that it's stupid and I know better. I'm wound tighter than a drum and just...buzzing. Really, that's what it feels like - jumping out of my skin. It feels like my whole body is just humming. A little tingle like when your foot falls asleep - all OVER my body.

I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. Generally I can stop it at this point, breathe and calm a little, but I have to find a release. Typically that means calling Collin. Well, he's at work. So that won't do. Instead I sent him a text. "Struggling a little. Sorry. Please just text me when you can." He knows. I don't have to explain beyond that. He's been through this enough before. He's busy with a patient, but sent me a quick text to tell me to hang in there and that he'll call me soon. This keeps it at bay for a bit. I don't know why, it just does.

One of these attacks got really bad a few years ago. It was when Collin and I had broken up and I was getting ready for work in the morning. I felt the buzzing. I knew something was coming, but I just sat down to try and calm myself. At that point I couldn't breathe. Couldn't. I felt like a fish out of water, moving my mouth trying to gulp the air and getting nowhere. My fingers started to go numb, I started to shake. I didn't know what to do. I paced back and forth in the bathroom. So what did I do? I called Collin. We weren't even together at the time, but I knew he would help. I called him, crying and wheezing telling him I didn't feel good and I couldn't stop. In two minutes he had me talked back down. Not completely gone, but enough that I could regroup, get ready and finish my day. It's just one of those times where I knew that he really  loved me. I'm very thankful that he's so giving. I really look at it as him having saved me that day.

So now I'm laying on a half made bed, cats sprawled out around me. I'm wrapped in a blanket with the TV on, blogging and talking with Patti. I'm not all the way there. I know it's still going to be a rough day. But now I have an outlet. I've written all of this down and it helps. Talking to Patti helps. Knowing that Collin will call later helps.  I'm pushing down the panic and trying not to cry. I just have to not think about how this could all go horribly wrong depending on how my readers feel about this post. I have to hope that those who are my patients will not leave my practice because they think I'm crazy. I have to hope that they will realize that I would never continue to practice if I thought that I would be jeopardizing my patients in any way.

This is a very difficult thing to deal with. Especially since I'm someone who feels the need to be strong and in control. I hate having something have some kind of control over me. It's embarrassing and irritating. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I can't just tell myself to stop and be done with it. My mind doesn't care that I don't have the time to deal with it. It doesn't care that I would rather be happy or that I would rather be getting my inventory done and photographed so I could write the post I meant to write.

For those of you who haven't been exposed to it before, I just ask one thing. Don't judge those who have any form of mental illness. You don't know how it really affects them. The illness is not them. Don't let it define them for you. No one wants this crap. It's bologna. It can wreck you if you let it. Just be there for them. Understand that everyone has a few cracks in the facade. But be supportive and they will pick themselves back up. Help them to realize it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to take the medication they need.

Mental illness has a bad wrap...and not in the way that it should. The illness itself...well, I'll just say it...it's bullshit. It's an ass and no one likes having it around. The people themselves are not the illnesses they have. They should not have the bad wrap. They should not have the stigma of being "crazy". They should not be thought less of or avoided.

 I don't know about everyone else, but I think I'm just as capable as anyone else. In fact, I think I can be pretty awesome on occasion. So suck it BP.

How Far Could I Run?

It's all coming undone. Worse than it's been in a long time...probably since last August. I am having crazy swings that are completely out of control. I thought I was doing so well withthe meds. It just makes me want to scream.

Until this afternoon I have just been crazy down all week long. I could barely move yesterday once I got home from work. I called & texted Collin all day about wanting to come home. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed and nearly let Collin just keep hitting the snooze while I pretended not to hear the alarm.

Today I started to feel a little bit better at the end of the work day, but it quickly turned on me. Three hours later I was in full swing. Jumping out of my skin, feeling the pounding in my chest and just panicking in general. I'm feeling completely crazy - to the point that I'm recognizing what I'm doing and thinking to myself "this is crazy" but not being able to do anything about it. I got in the truck tonight and seriously thought about just seeing how far I could drive before someone even noticed I was gone. I just want to walk away from it all. I love my house, my pets, and of course my family...but there is so much other stress that I just need to go away.

I hate going to my job every day. I hate it all day long. I look at the clock every ten minutes. I hate the ridiculous pile of debt that I have thanks to the education and the setup costs for my stupid job. I hate that I have to sacrifice MY pay to keep everything running while I'm the one who is doing the biggest share of the work (which is exhausting) every day. And then having staff members who don't appreciate their salaries (on occasion) and feel entitled to a higher pay (it's a recession, are you nuts?) makes it even more annoying. I really just want to scream at them. I make 1/3 of what I made in 2007...doing the same job, in the same location, with the same debt to cover. AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

I hate it when Collin isn't around. I have so much paranoia about what he is doing when he isn't with me. I should be more trusting, but I just can't control the crazy thoughts that just keep building and feeding themselves in my head. He's at class right now...6-10...and yet (as happens at least once a week) I get the thought that maybe class ended early and maybe he's spending time with another girl or just out with friends to get away from me and my nuttiness. I know this isn't easy on him, but I'm just bouncing off the walls.

I'm hoping that I can make it through my day tomorrow (a partial day thank goodness) and then have some of this settle this weekend. Honestly, if it doesn't get better I don't know what I'm going to do. I've never wanted to go the hospital route (in fact I've bawled over asking Collin not to take me) but it's starting to be something I wonder if I need. I just don't know how much longer I can pull of this strong and stable facade...losing it...

Fake It 'Til You Make It

My mother told me one time that I'm too good at hiding what's really going on so even she has been fooled.

I started thinking today that I may not be able to pull the fake too much longer. Every day that I go to work it seems to be getting worse. I have been holding back fairly well for the last...umm...15 years when I feel like crap or I'm anxious and feeling like I could just vibrate right out of my skin. Most of the people around me have no idea that anything is wrong with me at all. My close friends will occasionally be "exposed" to my swings and some of my erratic comments or actions, but I think most of them just attribute them to stress or quirks in my personality. My patients don't really have a clue. I put on the fake happy face pretty well and then hide out in my office and try not to cry or run from the building screaming.

My employees just think that I'm occasionally grouchy in the mornings...to the point that my office manager has specifically instructed them not to approach me with any "bad" news until after 10am. :)

It's getting worse and worse every day. Today I only made it to 8:15...I start at 8. :( I felt like I could crack any minute. By afternoon I was in a full fledged panic. I honestly think that a lot of it is my job. It's very high stress and I always feel like I need a vacation. But unfortunately, due to high levels of debt I'm a bit trapped. At best I can get out of it in 5 years...let's see how far I can make it. Psych ward may not be too far off...

Screwy Day

My head feels all screwy tonight. I almost feel like I do when I start to get a migraine...but it's different. I have pain in my temples that radiates across my forehead at the eyebrows. But it's not constant. It's almost like I can feel it moving...ebbing and flowing across my head. And I feel a little sleepy...but I'm not tired. Not sure if that even makes sense. On top of all that, my eyes keep going intermittently blurry...particularly my left one. But if I blink hard then it's fine. If it doesn't stop soon I'm ditching these contacts. I'm hoping it goes away...I hate wearing my glasses.

I'm feeling a little bit of racing thoughts so forgive this side track and then I'll get back to the story I was getting ready to share. I just had to go out and crate Sadie. There's been a storm rolling through over the last hour and I don't think she's a fan of the wind or the thunder. She's driving me crazy with her barking. Maybe now I'll get a couple hours of sanity.

Ok...back on track. Today was a little bit of an odd day. I've had trouble remembering that today is a Friday. It just doesn't feel right. I don't know what day it feels like, but not Friday. I slept in this morning (which was lovely) and then went to my office to take care of an "emergency" patient. I say "emergency" because it really wasn't. But I took care of her concern and moved on with my day. Dropped Collin off at work and then helped him to drop off some supplies for the National Registry Test he's proctoring tomorrow morning.

We were able to grab some lunch and sit together to eat at the station, so I got a few more hours with him than I normally would have. He won't be home until about 2 am tonight and I won't see him between 8am and the following 2 am tomorrow. I'll be glad when his schedule flips next week. I miss him a lot.

After that I drove back towards home and stopped at a couple of stores. I managed to get a dog ramp for Harley so his fat behind can now go to the dog park without breaking my back. Then I went over to Michael's to try and get in on what I thought was a good deal. They had little fliers all over the store marking their specials. One set was showing 40% off their paper pads and another stated 5/$1 for open stock paper. Sweet! So I loaded up my basket.

Up at the register I started noticing that nothing was showing up with a sales price. Not the two paper stack I had, not any of the paper. So I stopped the lady mid-swipe and asked her if the discount was going to show at the end. She said no and then talked with 2 other ladies to figure out why the discount wasn't coming up. Apparently there was some nice fine print in their ad that said that only a small portion of the open stock was actually on sale. Then why did their signs say ALL open stock. I was not happy. The ladies were fairly rude when I tried to tell them that their signs were misleading. They weren't willing to make any changes on the pricing at all with the error. To that I promptly said, "Well I'm going to have to leave it all then." I left the 2 stacks and about a 3/4" stack of open stock for them to put away. I was furious!

At that point my anxiety kicked in and I just had to get home. But I don't think that I'll be shopping there again. Every time I try to get something there it is a nightmare of either an unavailable advertised item or the false advertising crap like today. I'm just done.

I feel a little better now that I've vented. Right now I'm in a way stalling on a project I need to finish tonight. I suppose I'll stop my whining and get back to it. If only my head wasn't being so screwy...

The Yo-Yo Queen

Today is a better day. Though I can definitely still feel the downswing, I am at least functional today. Yesterday I spent about 3 hours curled up under the blankets on my bed in a complete down spiral. It got pretty bad. By afternoon there were some pretty dark thoughts in my head. But Collin came home and we talked and I started to pull back up a little. It was nice to spend some time with him last night.

This morning I upped my Wellbutrin dose...yep, that's right, I just self-medicated. We'll see what happens but I just feel like yesterday was WAY too much. Granted, I'm coming out of it fairly decently, but it was a very deep low. Low enough that it scared me to think about it afterwords. I still don't feel up to par today, but I've been able to function. Mostly I just feel tired and drained. I'm not really wanting to deal with anything that requires a lot of mental energy or conflict. I made it through my work day, but now looking back on the day I really can't remember a whole lot of it. I think I was just running a little on autopilot. Not something I really like.

Now I have my evening alone until Collin comes home from class. It doesn't feel as daunting as not having him around yesterday afternoon did. There are a few things I can get done and I feel like I can keep myself occupied until he makes it back. I don't feel like I'll fall apart. That's nice. I guess I'll just see what the next few days bring. Sometimes...just when I start to feel comfortable...this beast rears its ugly head. I hate the ups and downs and back again. "Normal" would be a good place to stay...for a while...

Imported post : 4-12-10 : I Only Seem to Write When I'm Not Happy

Today is Collin's birthday. And I've already managed to screw it up. Surprise. I had blocked out my schedule so I could take the day off and take him to breakfast & lunch, go to a movieand spend some time with him before he went to class in the evening. He informed me on Saturday that he had to do some clinical hours today from 2-4...class is at 6. So there went my plans. Mini meltdown. My feelings were completely hurt because I had told him about my plan a week earlier. Plus, my office manager had told me the week before that she could easily fill my Monday afternoon and had people asking for appointments on that day. I turned it down because I was spending time with Collin. Now come to find out I could've worked this afternoon and made a couple thousand instead of sitting by myself.

This morning we got up to go and get breakfast...trying to figure out what to do with the time we would actually get to spend together. I convinced him to go to a nicer restaurant that he originally suggested because I felt like he needed something special on his birthday. As we headed into town...at 11 mind you because we slept in...he decided that he wanted to get his haircut first. I got upset because that meant that we wouldn't do breakfast until about 12:30. I just figured it was a waste at that point. We could've just had cereal and he could go get his haircut. One thing led to another since he could tell I was upset and I ended up completely melting down in the truck. He turned the truck around and took us home.

I spent the next 3 hours under the blanket on our bed...effectively wasting the rest of the morning. Now he's doing his clinical hours and who knows if I'll see him again for the rest of the day. I feel like a completely worthless girlfriend. I hate that I ruined his day and I didn't do anything special for him to show him that I love him. All I did was make us both feel like crap.

Now I'm just sitting on the couch, eyes burning, without any motivation to do anything and hoping that he'll come home. Sometimes I really hate myself.

Relaxing and Recentering

I upped my medication last week after talking with my doctor. I felt that my Lamictal was doing its work, but that there was still just a bit of breakthrough of downswings more often than I liked. I am now taking 100mg of Lamictal a day in addition to my 150mg of Wellbutrin XL. It's been nearly a week and I'm feeling pretty darned "normal" and good. I had a small scare last night with a light rash on my legs, but it subsided by morning so it's probably more likely due to a mild allergic reaction than a development of the dreaded "lamictal rash". Thank goodness...I really like the med balance right now.

Spring break is lovely. I really needed some time off. I have found that my stress of being around people does increase after a day or two and I just need some time alone. I was doing fairly well until last Friday afternoon. While out doing some OCD shopping (I had a particular item in mind, but couldn't find it - later ended up using something I already had at home) I started feeling a little jittery and overwhelmed while in a store. I felt my chest getting tighter and knew I just needed to leave. After a few minutes regrouping in the truck, I returned home and was able to calm back down, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the house again until Sunday. I think I just need people in small doses and small numbers. Social situations get me nice and tensed up. I probably should have considered that when I was choosing a profession. :)

I'm spending a lot of time with Collin this week and it's been really good to just be able to relax together. We still have things we need to do and places we need to be, but it's a lot more relaxed than our normal schedule. Collin has school off this week as well so we've spent last night and tonight up at the ambulance service he volunteers for an hour north of our home. He really enjoys being on the ambulance and I'm just hanging out while he's out on a call. Tomorrow is our last full day together before he goes back to work, but it's still been nice. I've missed having time like this.

3-12-2010: Trying to keep it together... (Imported from After the Flames)

Ugh. It's been a trying week. I've gone through a few swings...very strongly down...but I think now I'm holding pretty steady. I watched the documentary by Stephen Fry "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive" and found that I identify fairly strongly with the last girl interviewed. I like to think of myself as creative...I have gobs of little projects going at the moment. I'm a scrapbooker, a photographer, a quilter (I make photo rag quilts on a semi-regular basis), and a poet/writer. I like to think that I'm fairly good at all of these little skills...but I've found that in my downswings I can't do any of it. The creativity just gets sucked out of me and I just want to do nothing. I can't even go into my scrap room. It just disgusts and frustrates me because I know there is a lot to be done and I will accomplish none of it until the darkness goes away.

This week there were a few things that threw me down the spiral and I think just a couple of things that saved me from losing it all.

I started and finished my work week with the worst patient I have ever had. After practicing for nearly 10 years I have never hated a patient as much as I hate this woman. As soon as her crown is finished, I'm kicking her. I just am astounded by her rudeness. At over 70 years old she should be able to be somewhat polite, but she refuses to look me in the eye when she talks to me, won't answer my questions and takes her sweet time to follow instructions so I can finish the procedure in progress. No one in my office likes her and I'm sure there are underlying reasons for her unhappiness, but I will not make myself and my staff suffer from her awful attitude.

On Wednesday, Collin and I got in a rather heated argument that completely spun out of control and ended up with me saying I wanted to break up...a statement I regretted within 20 minutes. Things were fairly well repaired by last night, but the stress of that along with all the questions of how my "craziness" is going to strain our relationship has definitely worn me down.

And finally, yesterday I got some news of mixed review. My sister-in-law confided in me that she is pregnant (and swore me to secrecy from the family until she goes to her doctor appt. next week). I should have been happier for her and my brother, but it devastated me. I'm the oldest...this particular brother is seven years younger than me. I was married for six years prior to my divorce, two of which I was trying to get pregnant with no success. I have been in my current relationship for 3 1/2 years and have been strongly desiring a child for the past year. My best friend just had her first child six weeks ago and her pregnancy was a little difficult for me to deal with just because it's something I have wanted for so long. I'm happy for her, but it's hard to see. And now to have my sister-in-law pregnant...it's just salt in the wound. My life feels like it's falling apart around me and SHE gets to have a child??? She is immature and not someone I would particularly see as a parent. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person. And the kicker is the fact that they weren't really trying. As she puts it, they just weren't being careful. I had a major meltdown earlier today and nearly spun myself into a panic attack over the whole thing. Is it sad that I'm angry that not only will I be able to provide Collin with his first child, but now I won't be able to provide my parents with their first grandchild? I hope that my opinion of the situation will become less bitter and more joyful over the next few months, but right now anger, frustration and intense sadness and disappointment in myself are at the forefront. Oh, and to add insult to injury...I was planning on my wedding date being at the end of October. She will be due at the end of October/first of November. Now my plans have to change again...I've already had to postpone by at least six months because of what happened last summer. How old am I going to have to be before I finally get to do what I want to do?

Like I said earlier though, there were a couple of things that added a little light at the end of the tunnel and helped me return to even keel. The first was the discovery of the aforementioned documentary thanks to a forum posting on this site. It was helpful to watch it and identify pieces of myself while at the same time reassuring myself that I'm really not that bad off if I compare my symptoms with the majority of the people featured. For the last week or so I have been devouring all of the information I can find on BP...discovering that the education is helping me deal, but also realizing that there is very little out there specific to BPII.

The other thing that really helped was babysitting my best friend's daughter earlier today. Though I am still very jealous and really struggle with the desire to be a mother, being able to have a few hours of that calmed me and helped me appreciate the closeness that I'm going to get with her.

I'm hoping that the upswing continues. I have yet again begged off of my work at Collin's office and now plan to go in tomorrow instead of doing my office work today. It would be really nice to do something creative tomorrow while Collin is at work. I really enjoy having completed projects when he comes home. In the meantime, I just keep pushing along...

3-02-2010: Imported from After the Flames

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be normal. There are so many silly things that make me upset, anxious or just plain stressed. I don't handle change well. I need a nice stableroutine with predictable motions.

I'm making myself sick today, worrying about things that I can't control, things that really don't matter and things that probably don't exist. My stomach is in knots. I should eat dinner, but I'm so riled up that I'm not hungry. I've been sitting home alone for a couple of hours now and the loneliness is causing me to race. My thoughts are spinning.

I really want to make things work, but it seems that every day is a gigantic challenge. I'm always afraid of something messing it all up. Either something that I'm going to do or something that I've missed...something I didn't find or find in time. And so I search for it...and all it does is get me into trouble or make me come up with plans that wind up stabbing me in the back.

3-01-2010: Imported from After the Flames

I'm on day 4 of the lamictal. So far, so good. Though I don't see any miraculous turn around, I don't see any weirdo side effects either. That's very nice.

I have been working on describing my symptoms to Collin so he can understand me better. But a lot of the time it feels like the things I tell him just sound like excuses for the things I do.

Right now the biggest problem affecting us is my uncontrolled anxiety. Though I do trust Collin, whenever we're apart for long periods of time I have this overwhelming desire to know what he's doing when he's not with me. It just seems so controlling. I have explained it to him as almost an OCD response. If I get a strange thought in my head - like say that he's not really at work - I have to prove it to myself. Even if I know there's no reason to think otherwise. But if I can prove it...in this example by just calling him at work...then I feel better and I can move on with my day. If I don't, the thoughts just cycle and start to consume me. I can't accomplish anything else.

Unfortunately, this has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. Collin feels that I don't trust him, that I spy on him and that I make him feel awful about himself. I hate that. I don't like feeling like I'm out of control or doing things that make him feel bad. Because of this...I think I've become a lot more deceptive, hiding the times I feel this way if I can and doing things to "check" without him finding out. Unfortunately, that really just makes the whole thing so much worse.

I'm hoping that the lamictal becomes the answer to this problem. Though I occasionally had this problem before, it has definitely become more pronounced since I started taking wellbutrin.

Relief?

Well...tomorrow starts a new journey. I'm starting my medication tomorrow. Yep. That's right. I've officially caved in. I'm starting Wellbutrin tomorrow morning. We'll have to wait and see if the experiment results favorably. It may be the first trial of many...who knows what med will manage to balance this beast of a disease out. But if it controls the wild teeter tottering, I'm all for it.

Things have been quite challenging this week. I can honestly say that this medication cannot come at a better time. I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are coming apart. The divorce is proceeding and I am growing impatient for it to be finalized. I have found myself growing slightly bitter and my attitude towards T has become increasingly snippy...not a side of myself I wanted to see. Work has been ridiculous. I'm blowing through staff members. My office manager gave her resignation on Tuesday and I still have an assistant to replace. At least the office manager is staying until December 1st...that buys me some time. The new building is heavily underway and nearing construction completion, but I keep forgetting to check on its progress and make sure all the subcontractors have the information they need. I just seem to have a brain that lets all the important things float around in swirls. I remember them after it's already too late.

On the personal life front, things are just as confusing as always. Surprise. A ended up not coming into town as planned because he got a job that he needs to move for. Not all in all a bad situation, but it was disappointing that he didn't come to see me. We have talked on the phone since though, and it seems that he may be coming through on his way to his new home...a mere four hours away. Time will tell. That boy loves to fly by the seat of his pants.

J and I are doing better. We seem to have recovered from the lovely blow up during the Vegas trip and are moving forward...I hope. We're supposed to talk about the whole situation later on tonight. But overall, he has been much more open with me about how he feels and where he wants this to go. I just hope that it continues and he doesn't decide to backtrack. On the downside, I made the executive decision to tell him all about A. I never can keep secrets from J. He knows everything. Now it seems that he feels the need to bring up A every time we have a conversation. I recognize that I should take this as a sign of minor jealousy and the fact that J may actually want me for himself, but when it comes to J...nothing is that simple. There is much underlying this little coy game he is playing. I just don't know what it is yet. And in the meantime, I've let him suck me right back in again. I told myself that I would be stronger with him and that I wouldn't let him affect me so much, but I am weak. Somehow I let him always have the upper hand. He always gets just what he wants. I am such a ridiculous pawn.

And so my life continues. Wishy washy, up in the air. I feel like I need to sleep for days on end just to stay caught up. Let's hope that some day the bubble bursts and I can breathe again. I know it can't continue on forever like this. Please let the Wellbutrin work it's magic. I need the relief. Heaven knows that everyone around me does right now.

Embracing Myself

Been a busy couple of days. Long weekend pairing to a long week. Things will start working themselves out in the next few weeks, but it will be a long little journey.

I have decided to go see the doctor. Seems that the depression they've been thinking I have for the last ten years is actually a bit more than thought. Have embraced the fact that I am a manic depressive and I need medication to help me through it. For the past few years I've really known that medication was probably a good idea, but like many with a mental disorder, I have had a time accepting it. The thing is, even though I know that it is a chemical problem and that if I had a problem with any other organ (like my stomach) I would take the medication needed. But mental diseases are hard things to accept. I'm doing my best to live through mine, but I've finally realized that I need more help than just my own willpower.

I've really known that this was a part of me for a long time. Nearly ten years ago I was in love with a boy named Scott. Scott and I had grown up together and went to high school together. We were good friends. He was one of the kindest, smartest, most wonderful human beings I have ever known. Scott was manic depressive and took lithium to help balance himself.

When we graduated from high school, Scott moved up north to go to school at the state university. It was hard watching him go. But I had no claim to him. We weren't dating, we never had. I was too chicken to tell Scott how I felt about him. We were good friends, but I didn't think that he would accept me as his girlfriend; I felt he was too good for me.

Scott and I kept in touch over the next few months and he got himself a girlfriend at college. He came home for a break and I decided that I would finally tell him how I felt. I knew I couldn't hide it any longer. He and his girlfriend had split...as they frequently did (typical off again on again relationship of young couples). I picked up the phone to call him, let it ring once, and hung up. I couldn't get the courage back. The next day, another high school friend called to tell me the news. Scott had stopped taking the lithium and he had committed suicide.

I have wept over Scott for the last ten years. I didn't go to the funeral, couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to the man that I loved. I have never forgiven myself for not trying to tell him how I felt. I will never get over him.

But Scott has helped me in so many ways over the years. I have learned so many lessons from that man. And now I know that I need to get myself the help that he let himself lose.

So recently things started to crop up again. J actually started me down the pathway to realizing the problem. He has noticed my tendencies, not a hard thing to do when you spend multiple hours with me on a daily basis. He suggested that I get help and I was defensive. But now I know that he was right. I have been in an extreme manic phase for the last few weeks. I obsess over everything and I have all these buzzing thoughts around myself. I feel like I have a million things I need to be doing, but I can't focus on one long enough to finish it. I spend too much money on things I don't really need. Thank god I can afford it. I had far too much fun in Vegas for me to think that it was sane. I need to stop, breathe, backtrack. I need to slow down and focus.

So...I'm going to take the big step. I'm going to be the brave girl and take control of myself...of my disease. I may not always feel 100% comfortable with my own diagnosis, but I can be strong enough to not let it take me over. I can beat it.