Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Yo-Yo Queen

Today is a better day. Though I can definitely still feel the downswing, I am at least functional today. Yesterday I spent about 3 hours curled up under the blankets on my bed in a complete down spiral. It got pretty bad. By afternoon there were some pretty dark thoughts in my head. But Collin came home and we talked and I started to pull back up a little. It was nice to spend some time with him last night.

This morning I upped my Wellbutrin dose...yep, that's right, I just self-medicated. We'll see what happens but I just feel like yesterday was WAY too much. Granted, I'm coming out of it fairly decently, but it was a very deep low. Low enough that it scared me to think about it afterwords. I still don't feel up to par today, but I've been able to function. Mostly I just feel tired and drained. I'm not really wanting to deal with anything that requires a lot of mental energy or conflict. I made it through my work day, but now looking back on the day I really can't remember a whole lot of it. I think I was just running a little on autopilot. Not something I really like.

Now I have my evening alone until Collin comes home from class. It doesn't feel as daunting as not having him around yesterday afternoon did. There are a few things I can get done and I feel like I can keep myself occupied until he makes it back. I don't feel like I'll fall apart. That's nice. I guess I'll just see what the next few days bring. Sometimes...just when I start to feel comfortable...this beast rears its ugly head. I hate the ups and downs and back again. "Normal" would be a good place to stay...for a while...


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