Imported post : 4-12-10 : I Only Seem to Write When I'm Not Happy

Today is Collin's birthday. And I've already managed to screw it up. Surprise. I had blocked out my schedule so I could take the day off and take him to breakfast & lunch, go to a movieand spend some time with him before he went to class in the evening. He informed me on Saturday that he had to do some clinical hours today from 2-4...class is at 6. So there went my plans. Mini meltdown. My feelings were completely hurt because I had told him about my plan a week earlier. Plus, my office manager had told me the week before that she could easily fill my Monday afternoon and had people asking for appointments on that day. I turned it down because I was spending time with Collin. Now come to find out I could've worked this afternoon and made a couple thousand instead of sitting by myself.

This morning we got up to go and get breakfast...trying to figure out what to do with the time we would actually get to spend together. I convinced him to go to a nicer restaurant that he originally suggested because I felt like he needed something special on his birthday. As we headed into town...at 11 mind you because we slept in...he decided that he wanted to get his haircut first. I got upset because that meant that we wouldn't do breakfast until about 12:30. I just figured it was a waste at that point. We could've just had cereal and he could go get his haircut. One thing led to another since he could tell I was upset and I ended up completely melting down in the truck. He turned the truck around and took us home.

I spent the next 3 hours under the blanket on our bed...effectively wasting the rest of the morning. Now he's doing his clinical hours and who knows if I'll see him again for the rest of the day. I feel like a completely worthless girlfriend. I hate that I ruined his day and I didn't do anything special for him to show him that I love him. All I did was make us both feel like crap.

Now I'm just sitting on the couch, eyes burning, without any motivation to do anything and hoping that he'll come home. Sometimes I really hate myself.