Playing Catch Up

Okay...obviously I've been gone for a while. To be honest, it's been even longer than intended since I've kind of been avoiding this whole explaining my absence thing. It's not a bad thing, it's just a complicated one. So I'm going to do my best to sum crap up as quickly and painlessly as possible. Bear with me.

About two years ago, my life basically started imploding. My husband of nearly a year (and partner for nine) decided to have another affair. We won't get into the backstory or the details, but yes...another. It wasn't a good period of time. I was a wreck. I felt worthless, humiliated, and broken. I tried to work through it as best I could (we decided not to do counselling this time around --- probably a bad choice, but it is what it is) and I decided to start living a little more for myself and a little less through him.

At the same time, I was dealing with the increasing issues that went along with an apparently progressive neurological disorder which the doctors couldn't (and still haven't been able to) diagnose as anything specific. All I knew was that I was getting weaker and dealing with constant pain, which was destroying my ability to enjoy a good majority of my hobbies and was causing issues with my ability to do my job without experiencing distracting discomfort.

I went back to school (something I'd wanted to do for quite a while) and learned that I did still have the ability to learn and experience new things. I was happy for the first time in quite a while. Weird how it took homework to do that... At the same time, I was struggling to keep things together financially for my family since I had to reduce my work hours at the recommendation of my doctors and (being self employed) I wasn't always able to bring home a paycheck.

Crap more or less hit the fan last fall. I was online chatting with some writers and met a few incredibly nice people who were taking more interest in me than my own spouse. He was taking a lot more time "working late" or spending time on a computer game he enjoyed. I started to realize that I deserved more. Our relationship was crumbling and there was nothing I could do. I tried a few desperate things to save it, but it was too late. My ability to trust him was gone and (based on things that had been happening in the previous few months) I knew that additional affairs were not only likely to occur, but most likely were already occurring and/or had come and gone during the prior year.

I gave up.

That's not typically like me. I fight hard for nearly everything. But after ten years of fighting to keep a relationship healthy and happy, to keep afloat in a profession that was slowly killing me in both spirit and a physical capacity, and to keep our finances from eating us alive, I felt too overwhelmed to continue.

Over the next six months, I asked my husband for a separation, started dating someone new, watched my husband sign up for online dating services while begging me to give our marriage another try (something I would have likely done if he hadn't been on Match and Tinder and ... Ashley Madison), and finally filed for divorce. It crushed me to do so, but I needed to save myself.

I also gave up on saving a house that I could no longer afford and that was falling apart around me. I closed a practice that I had been operating for 12 years. And I moved half way across the country.

It's been a long twelve months. I sank inside myself, I felt disappointed in myself, I hated myself, and then I realized that I wasn't living. I was being smothered and suffocated by all of that stress and worry and it was time to let go. Yes...I have had some failures. Yes...I have made some bad choices here and there that led me to those circumstances. I wasn't always the hero in this story and I wasn't always the good guy. But I didn't have to be trapped and punished forever. So I gave myself permission to lump my failures all up and toss them away. They still hurt, don't get me wrong. But I left them behind so that I could maybe, just maybe actually enjoy my life. And I'm getting there. I'm still dealing with aftermath and trying to figure out who/what I want to be, but it's better. There's less stress. There's less constant worry. There's less pressure. There's more me.

So that's where we are now. I no longer live in Idaho. I live in the northwoods of Minnesota. It's frightening. I know nearly no one (both a blessing and a curse). I can't get many places without relying on Google Maps. But I'm more at peace. Life is better. And most importantly, I am living it.

And now it's time to suck it up and get back to being who I want to be. I've missed this space. I've missed the people who surround it. And so I'm coming back. I won't be the same and it won't be the same, but that's okay. I'll be working on revamping the blog and getting it to where I want to be. But most importantly, I'll be working on getting myself back.

Stalling...Plus Sort of a Wrap Up for 2013?

I was asked earlier today whether or not I will be doing a 2013 Book of the Year (BOTY) announcement. The answer is a resounding yes. However, I'm stalling because that string of posts requires some actual effort and brainpower. I lack both of those at the moment as I sit in my comfy, comfy bed listening to two out of the three dogs snore (one rather loudly). But...I will begin the BOTY trek before the week is out. That, my dear readers (I hope there is more than one of you) is my promise to you. Seriously...promise, not empty threat that will totally get ignored and then profusely apologized for. There will be something related to books and reading before Sunday arrives.

In the meantime, I'm catching up on my blog reading (only 25 more posts to go, whee!!) and dear Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka has suckered me in to a yearly roundup of sorts. I've been seeing cutesy top 10 posts and the traditional year-in-review posts and the best of posts popping up everywhere and...well...I'm a follower, I guess. I just want to be liked you guys, come on. So...here's the best attempt I'm ready to throw energy at tonight.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Spent more on vet bills than I did on my own health care. Seriously, it's a good thing we only have one kid living in this household, the pets are drowning us.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Ya, right. I'm a horrible plan follower. 2013 kind of threw me for a loop and put kinks in nearly all of the plans I had for myself. Posting decreased, creativity decreased, and stress increased. I got behind on just about everything possible. 

As with a lot of you, I did want try and do some kind of physical activity on a regular basis...because I am a horribly lazy slob. I managed to swing that until about April, when Wii Fit just lost all of it's fun. I later ditched the recumbent biking because my stupid basement flooded and everything down there went to crap for about six months. I'll call five out of twelve months a success.

This year...hmm... How about we try for an increase in blog posting, better completion of my reading goals, and actually getting some crap put up in the Etsy shop? That's a fair goal. I now have my uber crafty sister-in-law kicking my trash by having her Etsy shop take off over at Lost & Found Puzzles, so I have someone to motivate me into getting this stuff done.

She made us this puzzle guest book for our wedding. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I got myself a brand new nephew and a new niece. Not too shabby for our little family. They're both super cute (I'm totally not biased), though my nephew seems to actually like me. I can't say that for my niece. She pretty much doesn't want anyone besides her mom and dad touching her (ask Collin...he touched her foot at Christmas and got what for). Maybe I'll grow on her.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

We lost Harley back in February and that was super tough. I loved that mutt. He was a pretty damned good dog and I still think about him nearly every day.

5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

A steady paycheck. Being self-employed is a total pain in the ass.

6. What countries did you visit?

That's pretty funny. I barely left the state, so unless California is now a different country (which I suppose it could sometimes be considered), I stayed relatively close to home. I STILL don't own a passport - something I would like to change at some point in the next decade.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

I'm gonna go ahead and throw out the wedding card here. September 13th. Yup...Friday the 13th. Because we're awesome like that.

We're going to call this expression on his face "relaxed", not "might fall asleep", okay?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not going bankrupt. Hang in there...that might still happen. Big goals for 2014.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not getting my act together and putting stuff on Etsy to help balance out the fact that my office was a jerk in the payroll department this year. Laziness...always the laziness with me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Really? Rarely in my life have I made it through a single month without injury, let alone a year. Numerous bumps, bruises, and scrapes. Scratches all over my arms from the new puppy we adopted in May, burns from my total inattention to hot things in the kitchen, a black eye in November just in time for Thanksgiving, and oh...the almost slicing my index finger off that occurred last week when my I tried to shake hands with the food processor blade on Christmas Eve. (I was just trying to show it some love. You'd think it would've been more appreciative.)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Wow. This one is a little harder than I thought it would be. I really haven't bought much of anything outside of necessities in the last year. We'll go instead with the "best thing I spent money on"...just a little bend of the wording. Although it cost us a pretty penny, I'm very glad that we spent the money for Piper's ACL surgeries. (Yes, surgerIES. She managed to need both hind legs worked on.) She turned 10 this year, but you wouldn't know it by all the bounding around she does. It was a good investment, one I don't regret at all.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Piper wins again. I'd give it to the kid, but he's totally been slacking off and still trying the old "hide the homework" trick, so he loses out. Maybe next year. Darned tweens.

As for Piper, she has become a full blown indoor/outdoor dog with very little training. We started letting her in when Harley got sick so they could keep each other company. That was a slippery slope and now all three dogs (including the newbie, Mischa) are allowed inside. But most impressive was Piper, who has never really been and indoor dog before, but managed to make the transition nearly accident free despite her age. Good puppy.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Blegh. We're going to go with mine here. I was pretty much a slacker in the creativity and crafting department. I can't remember the last time I scrapbooked and the photos we took this year are pretty few and far between. If it wasn't for camera phones I'm pretty sure our 2013 photo albums would have less than one decent photo a month. It was a sad state of affairs.

I'm also convinced that I'm going through a kind of halfway quarter-life/mid-life crisis. I'm...let's face it...kind of a wreck at the moment.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Ugh. Sore subject. What little money I managed to bring to the household got totally sucked up by Wells Fargo. Nearly all of our income this year went solely to managing debt...and not very well. It's been rough. We're hoping 2014 starts letting us see a light at the end of this crummy, crummy self-employed tunnel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Our wedding! I kind of enjoyed getting things ready for it and actually managed not to be the one freaking out on wedding day. Score! Our wedding was low key and fun and (as my mother-in-law said) totally us. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

"Love is All Around" by Wet, Wet, Wet. It's the song I walked down the aisle to. (For those curious of the reason, I'm a HUGE fan of Love, Actually.)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?  Sadder.

ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter. (Wow...this isn't going very well, is it?)

iii. richer or poorer? Gah. SO much poorer. I actually had more money when I was a college student. It's a sad state of affairs. Maybe I should scrap it all, get a job at Starbucks, and go back to school to "find myself". It could be an improvement...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Becky's answer to this one was: "Reminding myself that things work out – one way or another, they always work out." Although I'm still working on feeling this way now, I think there were a few things that this applied to last year...so I'm stealing it. Good answer Becky, good answer.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wallowing. That is all. I did lots of it. It wasn't helpful.

20. How will you be did you spending Christmas?

We hosted Collin's family at our house and then went to my brother's house the day after Christmas. It was nice. I love our families.

21. There was no #21. Becky made up a question, but I'm too freaking lazy. So...if you want to, I suppose you can go ahead and make up question 21 to ask me in the comments. Sure, why not?

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?

I stayed in love. After the serious hell that 2013 put us through, I think that's saying a lot. Collin and I have stuck it out through some really crappy stuff over the last 7 years. We're pretty tough together.

23. How many one-night stands?

I had an on again/off again relationship with this blog. Does that count?

24. What was your favorite TV program?

The Big Bang Theory. It was pretty much a nightly ritual for the majority of the year. However, the complete dump out of my cable company in October took it away for over two weeks and somewhat broke the spell. Our decision to cancel our cable here in the next couple of days will probably be putting an end to that. Oh, well. I'll survive.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yup. But I don't want to breed more hate or speak ill of someone else (I'll just think ill instead), so I'll keep my trap shut. Hate is a strong word and I rarely feel that about anyone, but one particular person and one particular corporation have earned it this year.

26. What was the best book you read?

Nice try. I'm not spilling that yet. You'll just have to wait until the 2013 BOTY review gets finished over the next week.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

What? This is seriously an odd question. I didn't "discover" squat. I DID listen to the radio and a whole heck of a lot of Spotify. That's all I've got, sorry.

28. What did you want and get?

I wanted a normal life. HAHAHAHAHA. Right. That will never happen. I got an ulcer and a few migraines.

29. Where did 29 go? Is there no 29 either?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

I think I saw a couple of movies this year. I honestly can't remember if it was more than a couple. I think I'll go ahead and lame out by saying Catching Fire. I'm sorry...it was good. It WAS.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 35. It was actually a hard birthday for me. I don't like being closer to 40 than 30. I'm not ready for that yet. The only up side was that I spent my birthday on my honeymoon. That was nice. I got to spend it with my favorite person. And we walked the Golden Gate Bridge. It was fun.

32. And no 32? Wow. Someone can't count.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

What's clean and doesn't completely clash? Perfect.

34. What kept you sane?

I defer to Becky again. "Sanity is overrated."

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Nope. I have no "fancy" for anyone. I'm boring that way. Or maybe I'm just getting to old. Drat.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Affordable Care Act. I'm still rather pissed off about it. Mostly because it's bound to cause some serious issues for me in my line of work and yet no one seems to know exactly how it's going to work or how it's going to change things...and it takes effect in 1 more day. Very frustrating.

37. Who did you miss?

Harley. A lot. I cried about him several times. Losing a pet is hard.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

My social circle stayed pretty stable this year. I don't think many came or went. So I'm going to go ahead and give this one as a tie to my new nephew and niece (even though she doesn't like me yet). I'm a cool aunt, dang it. She should like me!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:

Working hard doesn't always pay off. Sometimes you still get the short end of the stick.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year (because this Meme is apparently written for tweens):

"Let them wonder how we got this far, cause I don't really need to wonder at all. Yeah after all this time, I'm still into you." -Still Into You by Paramore. Pretty much that whole song is me and Collin. I'm so glad I had him around this year. I never would've made it without him.

And, of course, this is one of those things where you're supposed to tag other people. But I don't want to slap this on anyone else who doesn't want it. So...if you want it, do it. If you don't, don't. 'Cause I'm generous like that.

And with that, I'm going to post this thing and try to get some reading in. Don't judge my grammar or lack thereof, because my proofreading skills are at a minimum at the moment. I'm mildly distracted as I'd really like to finish this one last book before 2014 arrives.

Because Sometimes You Just Get a Week of Mondays

So...I've decided that I really need a vacation. Nevermind that I just had one about 2 months ago. The last few weeks have been ridiculous. I feel like I jinxed our lives when I decided that my "one little word" for Project Life 2012 would be "together". Because in the six years that Collin and I have been together, our family has never had such ground shaking struggles.

On August 12th, Darian's mom spoke to Collin and informed him that she had no intention of letting Darian continue to live with us or go to the school that he's been going to for the last two years. We're pretty sure this was stimulated by the reversal of an IRS decision to allow us to claim Darian for taxes. She most likely received a demand for repayment of her 2011 credit and decided that she needed her payday returned. Her motivations with Darian have most frequently revolved around what kind of handout or payment she could receive.

However, with that action, she violated the current custody order. So...since then we've hired a lawyer and we're working to bring him back home...where he belongs. He should have started 5th grade here last Wednesday. Instead, he started at a brand new school district (his 4th in 6 years due to his mother's frequent moving). My heart aches over this. His classmates have voiced concern for him - with one little girl coming home after the first day of school and specifically mentioning to her mother that Darian wasn't there. It makes me so sad. I miss him.

Darian has lived in our home full-time since 2009. (He also spent his first grade year living with us.) He is a part of my daily routine. I have been working with Collin to try and raise him in a way that would help him be the best he can be. He has excelled in school and was in the advanced class last year. (He was slated to continue on that path this year.) He has tried different extracurricular activities and we have encouraged him to explore his creativity with things like reading, drawing and writing (hence his blog posts here). Not having him here has left a huge hole in our lives. It's as if we don't really know what to do with ourselves. I feel lost when I'm home.

After speaking to the lawyer today, we are currently at a temporary stand still. The legal system is definitely not the swiftest moving beast. At this point, we should be able to file for a temporary order sometime in the next two to three weeks. We are currently waiting for his mother's request for a change of venue to process. It's the most frustrating thing. We just want him home.

In addition to that fun, Collin and I are rarely seeing each other. Since we have to pay for the legal case and...well...not having Darian frees up a little responsibility, Collin has been working a lot of extra hours. He's rarely home and he's frequently exhausted. I feel bad that he works so hard while I feel like I just pull my regular hours and then sit at home doing nothing. But, to be honest, my motivation has been lacking lately. Having our family in shambles is tearing me apart.

So...I haven't been uber quippy. I haven't been funny or witty or really even cared. Sounds like fun, right? Hence the lack of blogging. I feel like a complete whiner. I want to be here. I want to be accomplishing things and I want to be posting worthwhile posts. I think about it once in a while, but I've sat down more than once just to give up before I finish.

I didn't realize just how much the little guy meant to me until he wasn't here. He's a huge part of our lives and we just aren't balanced without him. I'm looking forward to having this all behind us and having him back where he belongs...home.

This is what I miss.

Please Don't Make Your Child Afraid Of Me

I don't typically write about work on the blog. In fact, I rather like to keep it separate from what I consider to be my "fun". But...there have been some experiences at the office lately that have made me realize that maybe a little Public Service Announcement is in order to help some clueless parents wake up. The basic premise of this post - think before you speak and follow the golden rule (you know, do unto others as you would have done unto you).

In my practice I see a lot of kids. A LOT. I would say nearly 80% of my day is filled with patients under the age of twelve. I enjoy that. Kids are usually a really fun part of my day. What I don't enjoy is when an ignorant parent ruins the child's experience with me before it even gets started, making it more difficult on everyone involved.

Nearly every child has some form of an innate fear of or nervousness around medical professionals. That's just the way it is. Things are foreign and scary. I expect that. But that small level of fear is typically easy to work through by building a little trust. In our office, we call this tell, show, do. Basically I tell the child what I'm going to do, show them what I'm going to use (sometimes demonstrating on my hand or theirs) and then we actually move forward with the procedure. This takes away a lot of the unknown and a good majority of kids learn quickly that we are there to help them and that sometimes it can even be fun to go to the dentist.

But...then there are the other, let's say 10%. These children are ruined for me. I will never gain their trust. I will never be able to work on them with everyone in the room being calm and comfortable. In fact, I may not be able to work on them at all. I may have to refer them for sedation dentistry or it may take me years to get them to trust me enough to even lay back in the chair. Why? Because these children have parents who have increased their fear and made the dental office a bad place to be.

There are three typical scenarios for this problem :

1. Mom or Dad had a bad experience as a kid or is phobic as an adult - and they share this with the child.

Okay...you had a rough time at a prior visit. Maybe you couldn't stay numb. Maybe you had a tooth that was in a lot of pain before getting worked on. There are unfortunate bad experiences out there. But please don't poison your child's idea of what it will be like.

Don't tell them "when Mommy was little it really hurt to go to the dentist and he/she was really mean." Really? Your kids trust you. They're going to believe you over me. If you're telling them that dentists are mean before they even meet me, what are the chances they even want to let me lay a finger on them? I'll tell you: slim to none.

2. Parents threaten their child with a trip to the dentist if they don't brush their teeth.

Please, please don't threaten your children in order to improve their oral hygiene. Don't tell them that if they don't brush they'll have to go to the dentist and get a shot. Are you kidding me? How would you react if someone said that to you? Imagine going in to see a physician for some ailment that needs treatment via surgery. What if the physician said to you "this procedure is really going to hurt - a lot. You're going to be totally miserable and I'm going to be really mean to you"? Would you want the surgery done? Of course not! You'd be reluctant and nervous.

THIS is what happens when you threaten your child. If you want to motivate your child to do a good job on their oral hygiene, help them, teach them and reward them. (All children under the age of seven need some assistance from adult. Some children will need help or "checking" into their preteen years.) Teach your child why it is important to have good oral hygiene. Let them know that leaving food on their teeth can let tooth bugs make holes and that once the bugs have made those holes, the tooth won't heal itself. It will be broken. Let them know that they need those teeth for many years to eat all the foods they love and they have to keep them safe. Don't threaten them with a painful procedure.

3. Children are incorrectly prepared for having treatment.

If I diagnose a cavity and you tell them on the car ride home that they're going to get a shot and it's really going to hurt, it no longer matters what else you or I have to say. All they have in their little heads is that the next time they set foot in my door, I'm going to hurt them.

I am not sadistic. I do not get pleasure out of torturing my poor little patients. I do not relish in their pain. Quite the opposite actually. The philosophy of my office is to never force a child to do something they don't want to do. The very rare exception to this rule is if I am involved in the procedure to a point where leaving things as is will cause them harm. At that point, we have to finish. But if we're seeing a patient for a cleaning and they are terrified of leaning back in the chair, we work with that. There is not force, there is no threatening. There is only reward. Positive reinforcement is the way to go. If a patient is a helper for me and we finish what we have planned, then they get to pick a prize. Most of my patients love that. The prize is a good motivator. Help me by doing the same. Use praise, not fear. If a child does get a cavity, it's not the end of the world. We'll fix it. They just have to work harder on keeping their teeth clean next time. Healthy teeth are happy teeth.

The key to keeping your child from being afraid of the dentist (or other medical professionals) is to talk on their level. If you're going to talk to them about a procedure, use what we call "soft language". Sure, you can prepare your kid for their filling appointment. But tell them that we're going to give their tooth some sleepy juice or that we're going to give it medicine to make it numb. Think before you speak. Don't say we're going to use a needle to give them a shot. Honestly, when I hear this come out of a parent's mouth, I just want to smack them across the face. Thanks. You've now managed to ruin the appointment for your child, my assistant or hygienist, and myself. We have done this hundreds of times. We know what we're doing. Trust us when we tell you how to approach these things.

Bottom line - do you want your kid to be happy or terrified? The majority of the outcome is up to you. Is there the possibility of a bad experience? Of course. Unfortunately they do happen. Are there still going to be some children terrified of the dentist even if the parents have done everything right? Yes. This does happen and sometimes it is very hard to work through.

I can't speak for all other providers, but I know that in my office we work very hard to prevent bad experiences. We listen to the child. We let them guide us in what we can do. We involve them, we teach them and we encourage them. The end goal for me is always a patient who will have a lifetime of good oral hygiene and good dental experiences. Having happy kids in my chair is what really makes my day worthwhile. There's nothing better than going to get a six-year-old from the waiting room and having them yell for everyone to hear "I love the dentist!" (And yes, this has happened.)

The Value of a Dollar or How Jingles Ruin Christmas

This post was underwritten by BMO Harris Bank, which offers a matching $25 on a new savings account opened for your child through their Helpful Steps for Parents program. Learn more at bmoharris.com/parents. I'm so excited to be writing my first sponsored post! BMO Harris bank asked me to write about our experiences with saving money and teaching Darian the value of a dollar.

If you have read my posts on couponing or frugal meal planning, then you already know that we are a budgeted family. We weren't always this way, but with the changes in the economy and the decreases that have occurred with our family income, we've had to make changes in the way we spend our money. Collin and I have made sure to share our situation with Darian. We don't scare him, but we make sure he knows that money needs to be managed. We have talked with him frequently about how our household runs and where our money goes. He has learned that we can't always go out and buy something just because we want it.

We started talking to Darian about money when he was around five years old. We talked to him here and there about how much money it cost to buy things and how if he wanted an extra toy between birthdays and Christmases, then he would need to save money that he got as a gift to buy the items he wanted. We didn't really realize that things were sinking in until Christmas a couple of years ago.

Darian got a five dollar bill in his Christmas stocking when he was six years old. When he pulled it out he was extremely excited. Collin asked him what he wanted to do with his money. Darian quickly told him that he would put it in the bank. Such a good kid! Collin replied that it was play money and that Darian could do whatever he wanted with it. After thinking for a minute or two, Darian piped up with "I know what I could get! I could get a five-dollar footlong!" We giggled quite a while over that one.

So he had the foundation there, but he was obviously still influenced by other things around him. Collin and I kept with it over the years and told him about our mortgage and how many hours it takes to pay for things like the water bill. The first time we asked Darian how much he thought our house cost, I think he said something around $5000. Not quite, little man. He was shocked when we told him what the real price had been and when we told him how much we have to pay every month just to get to live here.

We now show him how much bills are when they come in and he helps us with the couponing and meal planning. He understands why we don't go out to eat very much, even though he'd live off of chicken nuggets if we'd let him.

When he got his report card a few weeks back, his first question to me was when our bank starts paying out on their "Pay for A's" program. He was sad to know that it wasn't until 7th grade, but I was shocked to know that he had paid such close attention. He obviously understands the concept of working hard to earn money. Our banker Debbie will be so proud.

I wanted to what else he's learned from us along the way, so I asked Darian about it today.

Me : Tell me what you know about saving.

Darian : Saving money can sometimes be a very long process. It can take a long time to save up for something. Money can buy stuff and some things cost a lot and you have to save up for it.

Me : What do you do with your money when you get it? (We have taught Darian that about half of his birthday and Christmas money should go into his savings account. We only make him deposit it about twice a year, so he's in charge of what ultimately goes into savings and what gets spent.)

Darian : When I get my birthday money, I keep it until the next time I look in my wallet and decide if I have enough money to buy what I really want with it. I've been saving for just games and toys. I mostly put my money into savings because I can't really think of anything else I want to buy. I usually want to get more money than my toy or game costs because then I don't have to start back at zero. You want to put money in savings because you can get interest every month and then you have extra money.

Okay. He clearly grasps the savings concept. But I wanted to see what he knew about more "grown up" savings and spending.

Me : Why do Dad and I need money and what do we do with it?

Darian : You need money to pay off your bills because you need a house to live in, you probably need a car to drive, you need water and electricity and gas and heating. Most of your money is spent on bills, but not all of it. Sometimes you save just a tiny amount, not a whole lot. You do this so you can pay your bills and still have a little more money in case you need anything and you haven't got your paycheck yet. Whatever you have left that you haven't used you put in your savings for retirement.

I have to admit. That answer totally impressed me. I had no idea that he'd picked up on the whole retirement concept. So I wanted to see if he really understood what he was saying.

Me : Why do we save for retirement?

Darian : So that when you get old and you don't have a job anymore you can still buy food and what you need to buy with your money.

Alright! So I'm feeling pretty good about how we've taught Darian to save and use his money wisely. It really hasn't taken a lot of effort, just involving him in our household activities, but I think we've given him a pretty strong foundation to do well with his money in the future. Good. Maybe he'll become a millionaire and take care of us when we get older. Then we wouldn't have to even be bothered by how much money we have in retirement!

I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. To learn more about BMO Harris Bank, visit their website http://bmoharris.com/parents.

Bipolar Disorder Can Suck It

Well...story of my life...I'm deviating from the plan. I was meant to write about how and why to inventory prior to meal planning...but that won't be happening. Today is a rough day.

This is somewhat how I feel today.

Some of you may already know about my struggles, either because you really know me closely or because you've dug into the old archives of this blog (stalkers...). Well, today is one of my rough days. I'm somewhat hesitant to even complete this post, but I think it might be important. I have spoken about my issues before (I hate to call it an illness), but that was before there were actually people who read this blog. Now with traffic picking up I'm not sure how to balance it. There are people out there who are wonderful and supportive and understanding, but there are also others who don't really understand it at all. I'm a professional, having something be mentally "off" about me could cost me patients, business, income. It's scary in a time where things are already tough at the office.

I'm terrified to do this - I don't want any of you to think less of me, to walk away from this blog thinking...Wow. That lady has serious issues. I always worry about what everyone else will think of me - even those who are the closest to me. I'm worried about losing it all.

For those of you who are already lost and confused I guess I'll suck it up and just be blunt. I have a mental illness. I have an anxiety disorder and I've been diagnosed in the past with depression and bipolar disorder, type 2. To be frank, the docs don't really have a firm handle on what to call me. I'm not a typical bipolar. Bipolar type 2 is less about the manic stuff and is characterized more by the depressive periods. I don't hear voices, I don't have hallucinations. I guess the best way to say it is to say that I don't always have control over how I feel about myself. It's important to understand that this doesn't mean that I can't function. It doesn't mean I can't be responsible or "professional" or reliable. I am very capable of doing the job I do and I am very capable of living a normal life. I just have days that are more difficult than others.

Here's the story of today. I could feel it coming on yesterday. I'll be honest. I've learned to recognize the signs. I am on medication - for those who are interested - and so I stay on an even keel most of the time. I am also very good at hiding my illness (Ick. Seriously. Hate calling it that.) from those who know me but don't know me. Sometimes I'm even good at hiding it from my family and closest of friends.

Last night I could just feel the weight. It's hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it, but I just feel heavier. Like there is a lead blanket on my shoulders holding me down. I find it harder to breathe, to move. I just start operating slower. I started to get the hint of a migraine so I did the best to nip it in the bud. I kept the migraine from going full force by laying in bed and keeping the lights low, television off. But I didn't stop it all.

This morning I knew it the second I woke up. I just wanted to burrow back down in my bed. I tried to get up. I tried to prompt myself to just move and shake it off. To an extent I suppose I succeeded. I ate breakfast, fed the dogs and took a shower. It's sad to say this, but I consider the fact that I took a shower on a day like today a pretty good accomplishment.

At that point I stalled out slightly. When I'm in this kind of a mood if I get something stuck in my head it just won't go away. Picking out clothes I had decided that I wanted to wear a particular white shirt and jeans. I really wanted a specific sweatshirt, but I knew it was in the wash. I was able to let that go. Unfortunately, this is when I discovered that the shirt I wanted was also in the wash. Sadly, I almost melted down. I kept telling myself to breathe, that it's okay - it's just a shirt - pick another one - you're not going anywhere today anyway - who are you trying to impress? That's how the thoughts go. Racing, crazy but at the same time recognizing the crazy and trying to stop it. That's the hard part. You don't have to tell me that these actions are nuts. I already know it. That makes it a hundred times worse. I feel stupid and inept. Who loses it over a stupid white t-shirt? It's freaking crazy.

Then it morphed. Enter the anxiety. Collin is on shift for the next 24 hours. I know he's at work. I'm aware of what he's doing. But my mind doesn't care. It just starts winding up. What else could be going on? What other crazy ideas can come in? Maybe he's not at work. Maybe he lied. Maybe he's off with friends. Maybe he's off with some other girl. Maybe he doesn't really love me. Blah, blah, blah. It's freaking psychotic. I hate it. Especially since at the same time I'm telling myself that it's stupid and I know better. I'm wound tighter than a drum and just...buzzing. Really, that's what it feels like - jumping out of my skin. It feels like my whole body is just humming. A little tingle like when your foot falls asleep - all OVER my body.

I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. Generally I can stop it at this point, breathe and calm a little, but I have to find a release. Typically that means calling Collin. Well, he's at work. So that won't do. Instead I sent him a text. "Struggling a little. Sorry. Please just text me when you can." He knows. I don't have to explain beyond that. He's been through this enough before. He's busy with a patient, but sent me a quick text to tell me to hang in there and that he'll call me soon. This keeps it at bay for a bit. I don't know why, it just does.

One of these attacks got really bad a few years ago. It was when Collin and I had broken up and I was getting ready for work in the morning. I felt the buzzing. I knew something was coming, but I just sat down to try and calm myself. At that point I couldn't breathe. Couldn't. I felt like a fish out of water, moving my mouth trying to gulp the air and getting nowhere. My fingers started to go numb, I started to shake. I didn't know what to do. I paced back and forth in the bathroom. So what did I do? I called Collin. We weren't even together at the time, but I knew he would help. I called him, crying and wheezing telling him I didn't feel good and I couldn't stop. In two minutes he had me talked back down. Not completely gone, but enough that I could regroup, get ready and finish my day. It's just one of those times where I knew that he really  loved me. I'm very thankful that he's so giving. I really look at it as him having saved me that day.

So now I'm laying on a half made bed, cats sprawled out around me. I'm wrapped in a blanket with the TV on, blogging and talking with Patti. I'm not all the way there. I know it's still going to be a rough day. But now I have an outlet. I've written all of this down and it helps. Talking to Patti helps. Knowing that Collin will call later helps.  I'm pushing down the panic and trying not to cry. I just have to not think about how this could all go horribly wrong depending on how my readers feel about this post. I have to hope that those who are my patients will not leave my practice because they think I'm crazy. I have to hope that they will realize that I would never continue to practice if I thought that I would be jeopardizing my patients in any way.

This is a very difficult thing to deal with. Especially since I'm someone who feels the need to be strong and in control. I hate having something have some kind of control over me. It's embarrassing and irritating. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I can't just tell myself to stop and be done with it. My mind doesn't care that I don't have the time to deal with it. It doesn't care that I would rather be happy or that I would rather be getting my inventory done and photographed so I could write the post I meant to write.

For those of you who haven't been exposed to it before, I just ask one thing. Don't judge those who have any form of mental illness. You don't know how it really affects them. The illness is not them. Don't let it define them for you. No one wants this crap. It's bologna. It can wreck you if you let it. Just be there for them. Understand that everyone has a few cracks in the facade. But be supportive and they will pick themselves back up. Help them to realize it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to take the medication they need.

Mental illness has a bad wrap...and not in the way that it should. The illness itself...well, I'll just say it...it's bullshit. It's an ass and no one likes having it around. The people themselves are not the illnesses they have. They should not have the bad wrap. They should not have the stigma of being "crazy". They should not be thought less of or avoided.

 I don't know about everyone else, but I think I'm just as capable as anyone else. In fact, I think I can be pretty awesome on occasion. So suck it BP.

My Girl Piper - She's So Photogenic

So we've finally made it to the last of the pet menagerie. Today it's all about Piper, my eight year old Anatolian Shepherd.  As promised, I will be combining her post with projects. Yay!  In Piper's case, I will be featuring a few of my 12 x 12 scrapbook layouts of her along with some tips on the techniques/ideas used in those pages. I'm also including a few other pictures of her just for fun.

6 weeks old

Ask anyone in my family and they'll tell you right off the bat that Piper is my favorite. I'm not shy about it. She is the oldest out of my brood and I've had her since she was itty bitty.  I got Piper at the shelter when she was only about five weeks old.  She had been taken from her owner as the result of an abuse case.  It was rumored that there were others from her litter, but she was the only one I saw there that day.  At the time, I had just moved back and I was actually living with my parents while I shopped for a house. I went to the shelter by myself one afternoon and just fell in love with her. She's been my buddy ever since.

Graduating from Scotch Pines.

Piper is pretty darned smart and she knows it. She can be pretty darned stubborn.  The funniest thing about her is that she has absolutely no interest in toys of any kind and generally isn't that keen on treats.  All she wants is attention. 

This layout features my very first use of my circle cutter...or should I say first successful use of the circle cutter. Now...let me tell you one critical thing about using a circle cutter. You must, must, must use it with a glass mat. If you use some other cutting mat, you will absolutely hate it.  The blade will drag, you'll tear the paper, and you will occasionally shed tears.  Spend the $12-20 and use a glass mat. It's totally worth it.

Now I'll be perfectly honest. I'm not a fan of this layout. I like the colors and I like the primary paper, but it's a total lazy page. It's always bothered me.

I had actually cut the circles out for use on another page and couldn't bring myself to get rid of this fabulous orange patterned paper. (Oh...and for everyone who is probably wondering, I'm awful at knowing where all my supplies come from. I'm pretty sure this particular paper is from the Bohemia line by My Mind's Eye. I love that line fyi.) So...I used the cut sheet as a window and just added a couple of simple embellishments.  There is no journaling on this page because - well, honestly I just don't like to journal all the time. I would say about 75% of my pages have journaling of some kind. The rest do not.

The font on this page at this size is very small...so for those of you who don't like to click on additional areas...

"This is my girl Piper. She is my baby. I got her when she was just a tiny thing at the Canyon County Animal Shelter.  I was living with my parents at the time, after just finishing dental school.  She was such a cute little thing, I just couldn't resist her.  Thought she was just a mutt at the time, but now it turns out she might just be a purebred Anatolian Shepherd.  Either way I just adore her.  She's smart as a whip, but she can be a stubborn thing.  She is a good companion and quite the love bug, definitely a momma's girl.  She'll come to Collin, but only if I'm not around. Otherwise she just stares at me. Silly puppy. I would love to have her as an indoor dog, but she's got a little problem with nervousness and an inability to control her bladder. Still...she's just happy as can be. I love her to death. My sweet Piper girl."

As for her bladder issue, the vet refers to it technically as "submissive urination".  He thinks it came as a result of her abuse as a puppy even though I got her as early as I did.  She has gotten slightly better about it over the years, but has never really recovered. I love her just the same regardless.

This is one of my favorite layouts, I'll admit. I love the color scheme even though I'm not a huge fan of pink.  I think the hot pink in combo with the black and white just pops fantastically.  I also love the swirl pattern.  I would love to tell you where I got this awesome paper, but honestly I have no clue. (I know, you're stunned). I'm pretty sure it's made by DCWV (Die Cuts with a View), but I couldn't tell you what stack if my life depended on it. Just know I tore my collection apart tonight trying to find it for you.  My other neat trick on this page is the letter "P". It is a die cut P completed using my Pazzle - yet another awesome gift from Carole. Once I had it cut out, I coated it in Glitter Glue and let it dry. I love the sparkle even though I technically despise glitter (if you haven't heard my herpes of craft supplies line...well then...read here. I'm just that funny.)

But...once again, these don't always scan in the easiest way to read the journaling without the blow up. So...

"My sweet Piper girl. I love her to death. She is such a momma's girl...always mauling me for attention anytime I'm around her. She has the best personality. Always sweet and friendly (except for when she and Sadie get in a tousle) and always wanting to be right by my side.  It's hard to believe that she's already almost seven years old. She still acts like a puppy 100% of the time."

This page is based on an article I read in Creating Keepsakes magazine a few years ago. I keep a list of pages that I find inspiring and use them to scraplift ideas when i get stuck and run out of brilliant plans. I love the bright colors of the paper - I totally went through a phase of citrus style layouts - and I really love the fact that I got to use my Stampin' Up punch (it was brand new at the time). How awesome is it that I can make anything look like memo paper? I love it.

So...the 10 Lessons I've learned from Piper. Well...to preface...she and I have been through a lot together. She's my best buddy and I love that she loves me no matter what.  Even though I had a fantastic dog as a kid (I'm sure I'll talk about Keisha another day), I've never had a pet quite like Piper. She means more to me than I can even explain. So here are the top ten lessons she's taught me :

1. Love is unconditional.

2. Always be excited to the ones you love. (ugh...this was supposed to say excited to SEE...stupid errors)

3. Happiness is contagious.

4. A good friend can make even the worst day better.

5. Live every day to its fullest.

6. No matter what you wear or how you do your hair, a best friend still loves you for you.

7. Sometimes you have to fight for the things that are rightfully yours.

8. Life is short. Appreciate the ones you love to the fullest every day.

9. Personality is more important than perfection.

and finally...

10. You can never give enough love or have enough love given to you.

So there you go, life in a nutshell thanks to Piper. 

She's always such a happy girl.

Amazing dog right? I think so. She's made me a better me and I love her for it.

What is the Definition of Success? - Wanting What We Can't Have

My friend M called me successful yesterday. I laughed. She went on about how I should see myself as accomplishing something big and I should be proud of it. My reaction? Thinking about all the things I want that I don't or can't have.

Success has different definitions for different people. From the outside, others may see me as successful. I can understand. I should in all rights see myself that way. I have garnered a professional degree, own a nice house, run a profitable company and have a comfortable income. But for me, success is defined by family and friends...emotional connections.

When I look at my life the majority of what I see is living for others. I took the path I took in school because the end result would be a job with prestige that would impress others and show that I am intelligent. The result for me? I have the job, I have the company, but I lack the enthusiasm in my career that so many others have. I do not love my job, I do not like my job...I tolerate it for the things it affords me.

My love life? A bit more haphazard and less directly profitable than my business career. It seems that I strung myself along a list of underachievers, using them to make me feel better about myself. But in the end, all of the relationships failed because they couldn't live up to my high standards and expectations for drive and...you guessed it...success. Bit of a catch-22.

The upside in all this tumultuous realization is one thing. I know what I want. The problem? Apparently I can't have it. Not for quite a while anyway. I suppose they are right and the best things come to those who wait, but I feel like I've already been waiting for so long. J is the thing, the person, I want. He's what I need. He balances me. Shows me how closed minded my perceptions can be and helps me realize that there is another world out there. He is nearly my opposite in all major things that constitute a relationship. He's played his life the way he's wanted, and I've played it the way others wanted me to. He is liberal and city-smart while I have been primarily conservative and live in the middle of nowhere (save my three year habitation in San Francisco). But trying to forge a relationship with him is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Thing is...I keep doing it anyway. It would be very easy to toss my hands in the air, walk away and find a guy who fawns over me, loves me for my money, and lets me do as I please. But I've had that. It doesn't work for me. And I find myself drawn in by J's aloofness to the situation. I know the desire for me is there...he's told me, but the approach is different and foreign. I don't know how to act, how to react. I feel like I've made a million missteps and our relationship is still just minutes old. There is such fear there. That I'll do something wrong and lose him, lose it all. But I don't care. I keep going along. I'm risking my heart for someone that I can't fathom, but something innate tells me he's worth the risk.

He and I talked about soulmates the other day. He asked me if I thought Benj was mine. I told him that I didn't believe in soulmates in the traditional sense. I believe that there are people out there that are perfect for you, that you are meant to be with. But you can't force it and the timing has to be right. With Benj, the match was there. The emotions were there...they still are. But time never lined us up. Emotionally we would be great together, but we could never survive as a couple because our lives have taken two distinctly different directions. With J, it's different. I feel like maybe we line up. We can talk for hours about nearly nothing. I feel myself calming down with every passing day, becoming less forceful about moving our direction forward quickly and settling in with the idea of us moving slowly towards one another.

I find that I'm changing. I'm becoming more comfortable with me, and slightly less reliant on the opinions and actions of others. Though I am honestly scared to be alone, I do know that something will work out. I would like it to be me & J, but if it isn't...I'll survive. Life goes on.

So...bottom line? I still don't see myself as successful. But I do see myself as a work in progress. I'm working toward the picture in my head. I'm trying to find love within myself and with another person. I'm working toward that family that I have dreamed of for such a long time. My personal idea of success. So, though I want what I can't have in the moment...moments change.

Women Are a Silly Bunch

And I am certainly one of them...

J made a good point today. Why is it that women can't handle it when the guys they date, marry, etc., have good friends who are also female? Why is it that we get all so screwed up in the head about that?

The things is...he's completely right. Here I am, perfectly understanding of the fact that people are naturally drawn to have more friends of one sex than the other, regardless of their own gender. As I stated in my post yesterday, I've always felt more personally comfortable with guys. But somehow, something in my mind won't let me understand the fact that the men in my life might feel more drawn to have friendships with other females. Something about that just gets me in a tight little twist.

So, here I am trying to be the nice girl. I'm trying to be understanding and not let it all bother me. But the truth is, I'm not sure I'll get to a point where it won't. Something deep down inside of me is programmed to see these other women as competition. No matter what J or any other guy has to say about it. Part the problem for me now is the fact that J and I obviously share no real physical connection during the day. The lack of this interaction may have something to do with my insecurities. Not only that, but the lack of my personal knowledge of his female friends creates a bit of extra mystery surrounding them. I'm sure that S is a perfectly lovely girl. And no part of me wants to deny J of any form of happiness...friendship or otherwise. Here he is with this girl that he cares about and who cares about him. There's no romantic feelings involved and there's no history of romantic feelings or encounters. Yet I just can't stand the thought of him alone with her. I'm a complete nutter, as he says.

When I really sit and think about it though...it really has nothing to do with S. And if I were to get to know her, there probably wouldn't be an issue. My current disapproval of the situation seems to stem from blatant jealousy. I'm 3000 miles away and unable to see J's face, let alone touch him, and she's right there...up close and personal...for a large portion of his day. The truth is, I only get so perturbed about his interactions with her because I wish they were interactions with me.

I can't help but wonder if this isn't the root of the classic female problem with their men's other "girlfriends". If we all had the amount of time and attention and interaction that we desired with the ones we cared for, would these petty condemnations exist?

As for me...well...time will tell. At this point all I can do is trust in what I know of J. He's a good man and I have to believe that everything will work out alright. I have to believe that S has no ulterior motives and that J has no hidden desires for her. If I am wrong, then I'm a fool. But if I'm right, then I've saved myself the headache and I've saved J the frustration of having me constantly be consumed with curiosity about S and their friendship. And maybe as my ability to create actual "face time" increase, these feelings of petty jealousy and callousness will fade. We certainly can all hope so. I'm sure it would do nothing less than help J feel less surrounded by craziness...

Changing Lanes.

So...as many of you have doubtless already learned...life is a journey of a million steps. Not every one of these steps is a right one and not every one will lead you to your ultimate destination. But each step has a purpose. Right now, I'm discovering that I may have made a few missteps along the way. Things are difficult and I'm trying to sort out where I want to go from here. The good news is, I recognize that there is a problem. The bad news is, repairing the damage may be difficult.

Love is a difficult thing. There are so many degrees possible. You just never know what you'll get out of a relationship with another person. I used to think that happiness could be found in one person. But as time goes on, I'm learning that we might grow out of that person...and into another. I'm having a difficult time expressing this and an even harder time comprehending when it all began. I am not the same person that I was five or even two years ago. I have changed, grown, and become more comfortable with the real me. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I'm more of a rebel and a dangerous girl than anyone in the inner circle would ever have expected.

I have entered a world that I never thought possible. Absolute emotional and sexual freedom. And I am embracing it. I'm trying to keep it a slow transition, attempting to avoid the shock that will come to those around me. But it will be inevitable. There will be whispers and there will be stares. There will be pointing and disappointment. But I have to live my life for myself. I have to embrace the decisions that my heart and head are forcing me to consider.

Many of you at this point may think that I have decided to change my sexual orientation. This is not the case. I am still very much a straight woman. Though I am finding it possible to embrace other states of mind. I love nothing more than men. But at this time, I'm trying to figure out who. The thing is, life throws funny things in our laps from time to time.

My marriage has been getting increasingly skeptical for the last two years. I've grown, he hasn't. At this point I'm tired of being a parent-figure and the responsible one looking towards the future. I'm angry at the idea that I misspent my youth and didn't enjoy the things that I should have taken advantage of when I had the chance. So I decided to change it.

My husband and I have been separated for a month now...with things leaning heavily towards divorce on my end. He is very upset by this inclination on my part, but I'm learning that I really need to look out for number one. I need to find what makes me happy. And...in a strange turn of events...I think I may have.

The internet is a frightening place. None of us really knows whether the person we're talking to is really who he or she says they are. But it's so much easier to be yourself. It's easy to be unafraid and bold about telling things how they really are. And so that's how it began. I decided that I needed someone to talk to...a way to blow off some steam. I started talking to numerous people, random men scattered across the globe. I wasn't searching for anything sexual or anything serious, I just simply find that men are easier for me to talk to. Women seem to be too emotional, too judgmental, and too...well bitchy. Don't get me wrong, I know I fit the bill sometimes too.

As time went on, I gathered my little list of "friends". They each knew little pieces of me and I know little pieces of them. But it was all fly by night. And I could've easily tossed any of them to the wind. Until J. We met completely by chance. I wasn't really his type from the outside and he wasn't really mine. In fact, the chat window nearly got closed several times simply because I didn't think that he and I had much in common. I couldn't have been more wrong.

J and I have been talking for nearly a month now. Every day. We talk for hours, sometimes straight through the night. We've talked about everything. EVERYTHING. The man knows more of my secrets than any other person on this earth. How that is even possible? I can't fathom. But something about him lets me just break free. I can just be honest and still feel okay with myself. Now I'm not delusional enough to think that this is love. Love can't be forged overnight and it certainly can't be created out of text. But there is something there. Something beyond just chatting. Something beyond the internet. I may be wrong. He may be something completely different from what I discern. But I don't care.

With J I feel free. That's a feeling I've never really known. I want to pursue this...whatever "this" is. I want to learn more about him. I want to meet him. That is a frightening prospect for someone who has always lived on the safe side of the street. But I've decided that the risk is worth it. If he's as real as I hope him to be, then I will have gained everything. And if he's not? Well...then I've learned a little something about myself. I've learned that I'm okay as I am. And I've learned that I worthy of something greater than mediocre. I have learned what I want in a relationship...what I want in love. That is no short miracle.

So I may be speeding down the highway of life at uncontrollable speeds. But I need to be reckless now and then. I need to explore. I need to test my boundaries. How would I have ever known who I am if I hadn't taken the chance to let myself out? So I'll take each curve as it comes and I'll take the risks that come with it. But right now...there's nothing more that I want...than happiness.