Saturday, September 30, 2006

Changing Lanes. many of you have doubtless already is a journey of a million steps. Not every one of these steps is a right one and not every one will lead you to your ultimate destination. But each step has a purpose. Right now, I'm discovering that I may have made a few missteps along the way. Things are difficult and I'm trying to sort out where I want to go from here. The good news is, I recognize that there is a problem. The bad news is, repairing the damage may be difficult.

Love is a difficult thing. There are so many degrees possible. You just never know what you'll get out of a relationship with another person. I used to think that happiness could be found in one person. But as time goes on, I'm learning that we might grow out of that person...and into another. I'm having a difficult time expressing this and an even harder time comprehending when it all began. I am not the same person that I was five or even two years ago. I have changed, grown, and become more comfortable with the real me. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I'm more of a rebel and a dangerous girl than anyone in the inner circle would ever have expected.

I have entered a world that I never thought possible. Absolute emotional and sexual freedom. And I am embracing it. I'm trying to keep it a slow transition, attempting to avoid the shock that will come to those around me. But it will be inevitable. There will be whispers and there will be stares. There will be pointing and disappointment. But I have to live my life for myself. I have to embrace the decisions that my heart and head are forcing me to consider.

Many of you at this point may think that I have decided to change my sexual orientation. This is not the case. I am still very much a straight woman. Though I am finding it possible to embrace other states of mind. I love nothing more than men. But at this time, I'm trying to figure out who. The thing is, life throws funny things in our laps from time to time.

My marriage has been getting increasingly skeptical for the last two years. I've grown, he hasn't. At this point I'm tired of being a parent-figure and the responsible one looking towards the future. I'm angry at the idea that I misspent my youth and didn't enjoy the things that I should have taken advantage of when I had the chance. So I decided to change it.

My husband and I have been separated for a month now...with things leaning heavily towards divorce on my end. He is very upset by this inclination on my part, but I'm learning that I really need to look out for number one. I need to find what makes me happy. a strange turn of events...I think I may have.

The internet is a frightening place. None of us really knows whether the person we're talking to is really who he or she says they are. But it's so much easier to be yourself. It's easy to be unafraid and bold about telling things how they really are. And so that's how it began. I decided that I needed someone to talk to...a way to blow off some steam. I started talking to numerous people, random men scattered across the globe. I wasn't searching for anything sexual or anything serious, I just simply find that men are easier for me to talk to. Women seem to be too emotional, too judgmental, and too...well bitchy. Don't get me wrong, I know I fit the bill sometimes too.

As time went on, I gathered my little list of "friends". They each knew little pieces of me and I know little pieces of them. But it was all fly by night. And I could've easily tossed any of them to the wind. Until J. We met completely by chance. I wasn't really his type from the outside and he wasn't really mine. In fact, the chat window nearly got closed several times simply because I didn't think that he and I had much in common. I couldn't have been more wrong.

J and I have been talking for nearly a month now. Every day. We talk for hours, sometimes straight through the night. We've talked about everything. EVERYTHING. The man knows more of my secrets than any other person on this earth. How that is even possible? I can't fathom. But something about him lets me just break free. I can just be honest and still feel okay with myself. Now I'm not delusional enough to think that this is love. Love can't be forged overnight and it certainly can't be created out of text. But there is something there. Something beyond just chatting. Something beyond the internet. I may be wrong. He may be something completely different from what I discern. But I don't care.

With J I feel free. That's a feeling I've never really known. I want to pursue this...whatever "this" is. I want to learn more about him. I want to meet him. That is a frightening prospect for someone who has always lived on the safe side of the street. But I've decided that the risk is worth it. If he's as real as I hope him to be, then I will have gained everything. And if he's not? Well...then I've learned a little something about myself. I've learned that I'm okay as I am. And I've learned that I worthy of something greater than mediocre. I have learned what I want in a relationship...what I want in love. That is no short miracle.

So I may be speeding down the highway of life at uncontrollable speeds. But I need to be reckless now and then. I need to explore. I need to test my boundaries. How would I have ever known who I am if I hadn't taken the chance to let myself out? So I'll take each curve as it comes and I'll take the risks that come with it. But right now...there's nothing more that I want...than happiness.


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