Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How Far Could I Run?

It's all coming undone. Worse than it's been in a long time...probably since last August. I am having crazy swings that are completely out of control. I thought I was doing so well withthe meds. It just makes me want to scream.

Until this afternoon I have just been crazy down all week long. I could barely move yesterday once I got home from work. I called & texted Collin all day about wanting to come home. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed and nearly let Collin just keep hitting the snooze while I pretended not to hear the alarm.

Today I started to feel a little bit better at the end of the work day, but it quickly turned on me. Three hours later I was in full swing. Jumping out of my skin, feeling the pounding in my chest and just panicking in general. I'm feeling completely crazy - to the point that I'm recognizing what I'm doing and thinking to myself "this is crazy" but not being able to do anything about it. I got in the truck tonight and seriously thought about just seeing how far I could drive before someone even noticed I was gone. I just want to walk away from it all. I love my house, my pets, and of course my family...but there is so much other stress that I just need to go away.

I hate going to my job every day. I hate it all day long. I look at the clock every ten minutes. I hate the ridiculous pile of debt that I have thanks to the education and the setup costs for my stupid job. I hate that I have to sacrifice MY pay to keep everything running while I'm the one who is doing the biggest share of the work (which is exhausting) every day. And then having staff members who don't appreciate their salaries (on occasion) and feel entitled to a higher pay (it's a recession, are you nuts?) makes it even more annoying. I really just want to scream at them. I make 1/3 of what I made in 2007...doing the same job, in the same location, with the same debt to cover. AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

I hate it when Collin isn't around. I have so much paranoia about what he is doing when he isn't with me. I should be more trusting, but I just can't control the crazy thoughts that just keep building and feeding themselves in my head. He's at class right now...6-10...and yet (as happens at least once a week) I get the thought that maybe class ended early and maybe he's spending time with another girl or just out with friends to get away from me and my nuttiness. I know this isn't easy on him, but I'm just bouncing off the walls.

I'm hoping that I can make it through my day tomorrow (a partial day thank goodness) and then have some of this settle this weekend. Honestly, if it doesn't get better I don't know what I'm going to do. I've never wanted to go the hospital route (in fact I've bawled over asking Collin not to take me) but it's starting to be something I wonder if I need. I just don't know how much longer I can pull of this strong and stable facade...losing it...


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