Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fake It 'Til You Make It

My mother told me one time that I'm too good at hiding what's really going on so even she has been fooled.

I started thinking today that I may not be able to pull the fake too much longer. Every day that I go to work it seems to be getting worse. I have been holding back fairly well for the last...umm...15 years when I feel like crap or I'm anxious and feeling like I could just vibrate right out of my skin. Most of the people around me have no idea that anything is wrong with me at all. My close friends will occasionally be "exposed" to my swings and some of my erratic comments or actions, but I think most of them just attribute them to stress or quirks in my personality. My patients don't really have a clue. I put on the fake happy face pretty well and then hide out in my office and try not to cry or run from the building screaming.

My employees just think that I'm occasionally grouchy in the mornings...to the point that my office manager has specifically instructed them not to approach me with any "bad" news until after 10am. :)

It's getting worse and worse every day. Today I only made it to 8:15...I start at 8. :( I felt like I could crack any minute. By afternoon I was in a full fledged panic. I honestly think that a lot of it is my job. It's very high stress and I always feel like I need a vacation. But unfortunately, due to high levels of debt I'm a bit trapped. At best I can get out of it in 5 years...let's see how far I can make it. Psych ward may not be too far off...


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