Saturday, March 27, 2010

3-01-2010: Imported from After the Flames

I'm on day 4 of the lamictal. So far, so good. Though I don't see any miraculous turn around, I don't see any weirdo side effects either. That's very nice.

I have been working on describing my symptoms to Collin so he can understand me better. But a lot of the time it feels like the things I tell him just sound like excuses for the things I do.

Right now the biggest problem affecting us is my uncontrolled anxiety. Though I do trust Collin, whenever we're apart for long periods of time I have this overwhelming desire to know what he's doing when he's not with me. It just seems so controlling. I have explained it to him as almost an OCD response. If I get a strange thought in my head - like say that he's not really at work - I have to prove it to myself. Even if I know there's no reason to think otherwise. But if I can prove this example by just calling him at work...then I feel better and I can move on with my day. If I don't, the thoughts just cycle and start to consume me. I can't accomplish anything else.

Unfortunately, this has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. Collin feels that I don't trust him, that I spy on him and that I make him feel awful about himself. I hate that. I don't like feeling like I'm out of control or doing things that make him feel bad. Because of this...I think I've become a lot more deceptive, hiding the times I feel this way if I can and doing things to "check" without him finding out. Unfortunately, that really just makes the whole thing so much worse.

I'm hoping that the lamictal becomes the answer to this problem. Though I occasionally had this problem before, it has definitely become more pronounced since I started taking wellbutrin.


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