Thursday, October 26, 2006


Well...tomorrow starts a new journey. I'm starting my medication tomorrow. Yep. That's right. I've officially caved in. I'm starting Wellbutrin tomorrow morning. We'll have to wait and see if the experiment results favorably. It may be the first trial of many...who knows what med will manage to balance this beast of a disease out. But if it controls the wild teeter tottering, I'm all for it.

Things have been quite challenging this week. I can honestly say that this medication cannot come at a better time. I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle are coming apart. The divorce is proceeding and I am growing impatient for it to be finalized. I have found myself growing slightly bitter and my attitude towards T has become increasingly snippy...not a side of myself I wanted to see. Work has been ridiculous. I'm blowing through staff members. My office manager gave her resignation on Tuesday and I still have an assistant to replace. At least the office manager is staying until December 1st...that buys me some time. The new building is heavily underway and nearing construction completion, but I keep forgetting to check on its progress and make sure all the subcontractors have the information they need. I just seem to have a brain that lets all the important things float around in swirls. I remember them after it's already too late.

On the personal life front, things are just as confusing as always. Surprise. A ended up not coming into town as planned because he got a job that he needs to move for. Not all in all a bad situation, but it was disappointing that he didn't come to see me. We have talked on the phone since though, and it seems that he may be coming through on his way to his new home...a mere four hours away. Time will tell. That boy loves to fly by the seat of his pants.

J and I are doing better. We seem to have recovered from the lovely blow up during the Vegas trip and are moving forward...I hope. We're supposed to talk about the whole situation later on tonight. But overall, he has been much more open with me about how he feels and where he wants this to go. I just hope that it continues and he doesn't decide to backtrack. On the downside, I made the executive decision to tell him all about A. I never can keep secrets from J. He knows everything. Now it seems that he feels the need to bring up A every time we have a conversation. I recognize that I should take this as a sign of minor jealousy and the fact that J may actually want me for himself, but when it comes to J...nothing is that simple. There is much underlying this little coy game he is playing. I just don't know what it is yet. And in the meantime, I've let him suck me right back in again. I told myself that I would be stronger with him and that I wouldn't let him affect me so much, but I am weak. Somehow I let him always have the upper hand. He always gets just what he wants. I am such a ridiculous pawn.

And so my life continues. Wishy washy, up in the air. I feel like I need to sleep for days on end just to stay caught up. Let's hope that some day the bubble bursts and I can breathe again. I know it can't continue on forever like this. Please let the Wellbutrin work it's magic. I need the relief. Heaven knows that everyone around me does right now.


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