Tuesday, October 4, 2011

All in the Family: The Time Crazy Neighbor Tried to Kill His Kid

I know you have all been chomping at the bit waiting for another Crazy Neighbor (CN) story.  After all that time of being patient (you've all done very well and I'm proud of you)...IT'S HERE!

I mentioned last time that CN has a penchant for motorized vehicles. Well, his collection includes not one, but two boats. And...as with any other mechanical item, his solution to any issues is to just go ahead and pin the throttle. That'll fix it.

Now we weren't privy to the situation that led up to it, but we were home relaxing one Saturday morning (sleeping in and not showering until nearly noon)...when we heard quite a racket from outside the bedroom window. We both knew pretty quickly that CN was at it again, but we could never have imagined the fantastical sight that was awaiting us.

The layout of our house is not ideal. Our master bedroom is on the main floor (which I love), but it backs up pretty much to his driveway. As such, looking out the bedroom windows gives us a pretty clear view of any destructive processes taking place out front. Unfortunately, this also makes it very painful for us when CN decides to undertake projects in the dead of night. Loss of sleep has occurred frequently. There have been two situations where I have nearly called the cops and complained about his "disturbing the peace". I am proud to say that I have never followed through on this tempting solution.

On this particular day, I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup when Collin called me from the bedroom. "You've GOT to come see this!" Now, generally I'm the one who gets most excited about the antics of CN. To have Collin giggling like a school girl in the next room promised something amazing.

Oh the wonderous things we are exposed to!  The noise we had been hearing was the roar of his boat motor (outboard motor, in case you're wondering). You may say to yourself, hey...aren't you only supposed to run those in water? And to this question I would say, yes...yes you are. But don't worry...CN thought about this before firing it up.

Something a little larger than this, but you get the visual.

Now if it had been me - or really any other rational person I know - I think the boat would've been taken down to the lake or the marina to check it out. Or hey, maybe even to the repair shop to have someone who actually knows what they're doing weigh in. CN? Nope. Not even close.

Out in the driveway, CN sat up front in the boat with hands on the throttle. He was facing across the street and fiddling with something in the controls. The motor? It was submerged in a large plastic garbage can filled with water. Wait...it gets better.

Pretty sure this action isn't listed on the manufacturer's suggested uses.
If you're picturing this in your head then you're probably wondering how the garbage can could possibly high up enough to reach up to, let alone over, the motor of a boat on a trailer.  Well guess what? It can't. But CN thought about that too. He enlisted the help of his eldest son, henceforth to be known as Thing 1.

Just swap out the blue hair for blonde...check.

At the time, Thing 1 was around 10 years old. He's a pretty slight thing, average height for his age, but not super bulky. Yet there he was...holding the garbage can up off of the ground, leaned up against the trailer...while dear Daddy floored the motor. Water was careening over Thing 1's head in torrents. The garbage can was shaking wildly. Thing 1 was yelling loudly and incomprehensibly. I think this irritated CN. How dare that child wreck his ingenious plan?! He stopped momentarily to reposition the trash can and yell profusely at his child. I can attest with near certainty that there was a copious amount of swearing.

Meanwhile, Collin and I were inside stifling our laughs and pinching ourselves as we enjoyed quite possibly the best weekend entertainment well...pretty much EVER. We just kept waiting for the moment when the certain atrocity would take place. We were both picturing some form of horror scene with loss of blood and potentially limbs. Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Perfect Storm. Yes, the child may have been in harm's way and probably not under the influence of the best parenting, but (and I am occasionally sort of kind of not proud of this) we just shrugged our shoulders, looked at each other, and one of us mumbled something about how if something happened, at least CN would be able to put his kid back together.

Relating this story, I am still somewhat stunned about what I saw on that day. Who really ever thinks they'll catch their neighbor attempting to maim their own child with watercraft on dry land? You know that old adage about smart people not really having common sense? Ya...pretty sure that was the best example I will ever be witness to.

It was short lived revelry. Thing 1 was (predictably) not strong enough to hold the garbage can up to the appropriate height for long enough and it came crashing to the ground. I think maybe at this point CN realized that having his child mere inches from a swiftly rotating propeller was probably a bad idea. Or maybe he just decided that pinning the throttle wasn't going to fix whatever he thought was wrong. (I'm placing my money on number two.) He cut the motor and packed in the project. And with that our entertainment ended.

I don't know what was wrong with the boat that day, nor do I know how he got it fixed, but I will say this - I enjoyed that semi-tense couple of minutes...watching my own version of a train wreck.


  1. LOL "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" meets "The Perfect Storm." That aptly describes it! Haha!

  2. Oh heavens what a scene! That is why crazy hillbilly people should not breed!! How scary!

  3. Oh my gosh! I am so glad I got to read this today. I laugh AND laughed. Thanks for brightening my day :)

  4. picturing this made me laugh! So glad his boy escaped unharmed, it could have been ugly. Just wow.

  5. Thanks for the comments everyone! Trust me, living next to this guy is no shortage of the dumb. I'm really trying to figure out how he made it through med school. But on the upside for you...there are many more stories to come.


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