Breathing

Life has been interesting over the last two months. Things have changed enormously. I am sitting in the same house, the same room, the same chair, but as a different person. I can't believe that I've waited this long to actually embrace myself.

It hasn't all been easy. That's for sure. Life has been very challenging over the last few weeks, perhaps the last few months even. I've been struggling with emotions I've never felt and dealing with situations I've never seen. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin...though I still have a ways to go.

Tonight I dropped the bomb. I told T that I was having divorce papers drawn up. It was nearly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thought I had prepared him over the last few weeks for this prominent possibility, but he didn't take it very well...I suppose no one really would. I am terrified of this step in my life, but I know it needed to come. Though I feel bad about hurting his feelings and destroying our marriage of six years, I can't help feel relieved at it all. I haven't felt able to fully express myself over the last while and I don't think I've really been able to breathe...able to live. Since our separation began, I've felt better about things, better about my life, better about me.

But now where I go is very uncertain. That is the difficult part. I'm not quite sure where I am headed. Being in a relationship is all I've ever known. Before T and I were together there was always someone. I've always had a boyfriend. Yet now...I'm not sure where I fit in with the rest of society. I'm not sure how much I want yet...don't want to jump the gun and wind up in a relationship I'll regret. Will I get married again? I don't know. If I do, I know it will be a long ways off. With T maybe I didn't take enough time to think it all through...falling in love with the idea of marriage instead of with marrying T. I want to make sure that what I do from here out is well thought through and certain. Not to mean that I won't make mistakes in redefining my life. I've probably made those already. But I'm going to do my best to see that the things I do make me happy and to live as much without regret as possible.

We'll see how I do...I'm a work in progress...