Sunday, October 8, 2006

Saying Something Stupid

For the Sinatras, "I love you" was the something stupid. For me, it was nothing near as eloquent. And now I am sitting here feeling dejected and horrified at the things that came out of my mouth.

I'll be the first that I am a complete girl when it comes to relationships. I am stupid and I am emotional and I am insecure and...well...apparently now paranoid. But there is something even more unsettling and self-damaging about my relationship with J. I feel completely unable to control where things lead and I feel that he is in charge with every turn, every topic. I have never been able to relinquish control in a way that I am being forced to do. It has created a whole new animal.

Last night, the beast came out. I don't know what set it off, but I became the full blown paranoid freak. I lashed out at him for something ridiculous and proceeded to attack him for being a liar and a promise breaker. And being my lovely OCD self, never once did I stop to listen to his side of things. I was being uncommonly stubborn. Now don't get me wrong, I have a lovely stubborn streak (hence the OCD). But this was war. No way was I letting him get off with a small warning. And as such, the conversation unraveled and I went to bed angry and hurt.

Now with a normal disagreement in a relationship, there is compromise. There is a healing and there is repair. Today I find that for my relationship with J this is not the case. What is wrong with me? I certainly had a valid point last night, I still stand by that. Regardless of how "overboard" (as he put it) I went, I was still in the right to question his honesty. But today, I started shouldering all the blame. And now my stomach sits in tangled knots thinking that I could've completely destroyed the good thing we had going.

I am an absolute wreck. We've talked every night for more than five weeks. It was inevitable that a disagreement would turn up. And I should just handle it with grace, let time heal things and see where we wind up. If we don't talk again, it should be taken as fate and a sign that we were not meant to be...right? Not in my mind. I am terrified that I have single-handedly destroyed the best thing I've had in a very long time. I'm afraid that my craziness was so far gone that all J can do is run for the hills and thank god that he is not laced to me anymore.

So here I sit. Sunday night. Waiting for him to log on. Desperate to apologize even though realistically the fault is not all mine. But I am willing to take it all...shoulder the entire burden. At what point did the power shift hands? Since when am I the pushover in the relationship? That man does things to me I swear. If I knew better I would step away and never look back...but I can't. I am drawn to him so harshly...I can't let it go. Something in me needs him more than air. And so I will sit here for the next hour, maybe two, waiting for him to be around to hear me apologize for the stupid things I let myself say.


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