Mondays Should Be National Holidays

I've decided that nothing good comes of Mondays. In order to alleviate the bologna (boloney?) that we all seem to go through on any given Monday, I vote that we create a permanent Monday holiday. I know that I would've been much happier to sit on my couch and be lazy today. How about you?

So...as it goes with Mondays, I had grand plans for the blog. In fact, I had more than one plan. But I'm scrapping them both for today. Why? Well...because my body has decided to revolt and that all excess fluids should be removed from my head by either allowing them to dribble slowly down my nostrils or become aerosolized for everyone's enjoyment. Yup. Apparently, going out every morning at 2 a.m. in my pajamas and cute sparkly black flip flops to let the dog go to the bathroom has resulted in my acquisition of a cold. Boo. Thus, I will be a lazy blog poster.

However, I will give you a few happy thoughts.

1. Maggie over at Padded Cell Confessions, who I've been reading for over a year, posted the other day about her conversation with her husband regarding the ability of guinea pigs to pull a human in a cart. Yup, you read correctly. Maggie's just awesome that way. I'm convinced that if we lived closer that we would be good friends and hang out all the time. But...oceans have a way of wrecking things. Anywho...You know those odd things that your brain comes up with right before you fall asleep? Well...my nerdiness has come through. So, I will be posting my mathematical calculations in a blog post this week for my official answer. Yup...you sucked me in Maggie.

2. I've almost made it to my 2012 BOTY declaration. In fact...I am so determined to get there that I will be posting it by the end of the week, regardless of how many reviews from 2012 I have remaining. Them's just how the chips fall. (That and the fact that I really need a break from book reviews so that I can start crafting again.)

3. Darian says that he too will be doing up his bracket in the next few days...so you'll get his 2012 BOTY as well.

4. My Etsy shop will be opening here in the next week or two. I had a small delay due to the doggy drama over here and his need to be constantly babysat (he cannot go upstairs). But...the crafting will resume and I will hopefully have projects ready for display soon!

And that's it. That's all the happy thoughts I have. In fact, that may be all the thoughts I have at all. The congestion is worming it's way into my brain and everything is getting nice and fuzzy. Oh...and we're out of Nyquil. Damn you, Monday.

Pinterest Anger

This isn't a real post...it's just a venting of my outrage.

I have discovered something extremely annoying over the last week. A few of the recipes that I have pinned to Pinterest have disappeared. These are recipes that I verified as legitimate before pinning and even a couple that I have already completed.

Nothing is more frustrating than planning a meal only to discover that I have no idea how to make it.

So...I have been forced to alter the way I pin and the way I blog. From now on, I'll be jotting down my Pinterest recipes on index cards as I go and any recipes reproduced by me will be listed in full on the blog. Prior to this I tried to give each blogger full credit for their recipe posts...but if you're going to yank it away from me by turning your previously public blog to private....well, then you've lost that privilege. What a cruel thing to do when people just like your food.

I will still be giving credit where credit is due, but since I can't ensure that the links will always be active, I'll be laying it all out for all to see. It's only fair to share deliciousness with the rest of the world.

Summary Sunday - Superbowl Sunday Edition

Superbowl Sunday has now come and technically gone. I'm not really one for professional football and I typically watch the game just for the commercials, but I have to admit that the game was a pretty good one. As for the commercials, eh...not bad. A couple of good ones in there. I enjoyed the bribing Doritos dog, the first Acura owner and of course the Matthew Broderick CRV commercial. Also, high five to NBC for using Betty White in their commercial for The Voice. Anything with Betty White is an automatic win.

Now...let's take just a moment to discuss the halftime show and then we'll move on. I like Madonna, really...I do. I like her older stuff better than her more recent works, but I think she's a good singer. I thought she had the potential to put on an amazing show. But...when you lip sync the entire thing in a way that becomes obvious ten seconds into it...I lose interest and, quite honestly, some respect for you. Oh Madge, I held you to a higher standard.  Also, maybe you should've discussed with MIA how to behave properly during a Superbowl show. Thanks for the cursing and middle finger salute. You really brought maturity to the table there. Thanks. Heaven knows we're now going to hear about that for the next week. Pathetic.

Okay...that part's done now. Moving on...

I busted out my huge shopping run and got enough groceries to get us through the next two months and then some (excluding the produce and dairy we may need to replenish along the way).  I'm pretty proud of myself. My meal plan includes a bunch of new recipes and a large portion of crockpot recipes. I got quite a lot of food, including a ton of meat and cheeses. Plus, I estimated really well. Once I figured out my recipes and the special items I wanted to buy, I expected to walk away at around $400. Our final total? $398.78. I'm happy with that. If things work out like I expect them to, that will put us at around $175 per month. That works out to less than $2 per meal and most of those meals will leave leftovers.

Collin worked a lot this week and I spent a good chunk of my time trying to fix his office books for the accountant (there were some issues with how inventory has been being entered). All in all, by Saturday morning we had spent about four hours together this week. We did however get to relax yesterday evening and spend some time together on the couch. Thanks to Costco, we also had some yummy red velvet cake. But...back to work he went today. He may be home on Wednesday. If not, we won't see him again until Friday. It's a completely nutso schedule, but we just keep plodding along. One of these days we'll be rewarded by having our debt paid off.

I also made a couple of noteworthy purchases this week. Using the money I had left on my Barnes & Noble giftcard, I marched right out to their website and preordered Let's Pretend This Never Happened...the memoir written by Jenny Lawson (you know, The Bloggess, my girl crush). I'm super excited for it to get here, but I have to be patient. Delivery is expected around April 17th. And yes, that's right...I gave you a link...because I know you all will want it too.

The second purchase...a new carpet cleaner. I've been absolutely distraught since my Hoover Agility took a dive back in November. It's been hard to part with that loss. It was such a good little trooper. So...after much time and patience, I finally worked up the nerve (read: had a complete mental breakdown and became obsessive when it became evident that everyone around here was out to destroy my carpet) to go out and find a new one. My new Bissell should arrive next week. I'll let you know how it goes, but I'm pretty sure it will be amazing.

Here's what else I was up to this week :

Posts I Posted : I busted out not one, but two tutorials. I'm pretty darned proud of myself. I taught you how to make bottlecap coasters for the men and decoupaged paper & photo coasters for the ladies. I'm inclined to like both of them, but the photo ones make me particularly happy.

I also received the Liebster Blog Award and passed it on to five of my blogging friends.

Darian also posted a review for you on Fever 1793. This was his first review of an assigned book. I think he did pretty well, but he obviously doesn't have the appreciation for historical fiction that I do.

Projects I Finished : Because I am apparently not the type to think while I work, I was forced to make new models for my tutorials this week in order to get the photos I needed. So...I busted out a few coasters. They're not technically finished yet, but they're pretty stinking close. I also finished a scarf for a cute little girl. You may remember that I gave this purple scarf to my friend Erin for Christmas.

Well...her adorable daughter decided she loved it and was modeling it around their house shortly after I gave it to her mother. I decided that maybe the little diva needed her own. So hers is basically a reverse of her mother's. Whereas Erin's is purple with a hint of fuschia, hers is fuschia with a hint of purple. I know, cute right? I did make one mistake and made it slightly wider than I should have, but I made the length slightly shorter so it will fit her fairly comfortably. We'll see how she likes it when I give it to her tomorrow.

Books I Read : I finished reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. It was fantastic! I'll be doing a review on it later this week. I am now reading Once on a Moonless Night by Dai Sijie. It's a bit of a departure from what I normally read, but it is technically historical fiction. It's been a challenging read, but I hope to be able to finish it either tonight or tomorrow so that I can stay on task with my BOTY goal.

Recipes I Tried : Meh. I didn't make anything new other than the Crockpot Sesame Chicken that we tried last Sunday. I did make one of our easy family staples, though. For lack of a better term, we call it goulash. Now don't get all technical with me...just go with it. It's super easy to make. Cook one box of Macaroni & Cheese according to the box directions. Add in one can of chili and one can of diced tomatoes. Tada. See...easy. And it's good...I promise.

I don't have any favorite blog posts for you this week...for two reasons. 1 - I spent a good portion of my evenings getting ready for my grocery run...and 2 - I forgot to star the ones I liked. Oops. I warned you, my memory is crap. Oh well, maybe next week.

Summary Sunday - Chore Day Shmore Day Edition

Well...I have a ton of stuff on my "to do" list today. I'll be honest...stalling by writing this post? I'm totally okay with that.

Here's what's on the list for now :

1. Laundry : 1st load is in the dryer, 2nd in the washer. I'm thinking another 2 loads and I can call that done. We're just going to pretend that putting the clothes away isn't part of this task...

2. Coupon Cutting : So, I'm slightly anal about how we go shopping. But - it pays off! Other than picking up the essentials like milk and cheese, our family has been able to avoid grocery shopping since November! (And, if you're wondering...we've now been Wal-Mart free for over a year!) That's right. When I did my shopping last fall I was able to stock us up so well that we've had meals for three months! Honestly, we could probably make it for another two weeks if I just went and got eggs and cheese, but the natives are getting restless for some new snacks.

I'm cheating. I'm dividing up the tasks over the next few days so that we can be ready for shopping either Thursday afternoon or Friday. Today, I'm cutting coupons. Tomorrow, I'll be taking inventory. Tuesday, I'm gathering up my recipes and doing the meal plan. Based on what is going to be on sale, I'm going to aim for two months worth of meals. I'm also going to attempt to do more crockpot cooking over the next few months. It's highly convenient and it seems to stretch my dollar further. In fact, I currently have some sesame chicken in the crockpot thanks to Pinterest. We'll see how it goes.

But, I digress. Wednesday will be my wrap up day. I'm going to put everything together and build my binder for the trip. I'm expecting a $200-300 run if we end up with two months of meals. I'll keep you posted...

3. Project Life : I've totally been slacking on this. I'll admit that right now. I have the photos all together for the last three weeks, but I'm behind on journaling. So the goal for today is to get caught up on journaling and prep the pics for my post on January's pages (finally).

I'm pretty sure I had other stuff on the list, but I think I've already hit burn out. I can't remember anything else at the moment. Oh well, let's move on to wrapping up the week instead.

Posts I Posted : It was a slow week. Darian wrapped up his reviews for the Percy Jackson series and I went slightly postal on my feelings for stupid parents.

Recipes I Tried : Other than today's foray into Crockpot Sesame Chicken, it stayed pretty low key around here. The nice thing about making big Pinterest meals is that we tend to have leftovers for a while. Oddly enough, the boy loves him some leftovers. He always cheers when I say that's what we're having for dinner.

Books I Finished : It's not finished yet, but it will be by this evening...I'm currently reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. It's really good. Thank you to Patti for her suggestion!

Projects I Finished : Nothing got finished. Let's face it, it was kind of a lazy week. I did do some things in preparation for a tutorial I'll be posting next week, but other than that, the only thing I finished was editing the photos I took at Kirsten's birthday party last week. Some of them turned out quite cute. I even managed to get one that makes my guys look photogenic.

Best Blog Post : I've taken to cheating and starring my favorites on Google Reader. My memory is crap. I'll just go ahead and throw that out there. So, even if I find something wildly hilarious...I completely forget what it was by the time Sunday gets here. I need all the help I can get.

This week, it isn't something funny, but rather something that I found pretty poignant. It's Ali Edwards' post of a video based on Ira Glass' "Ira Glass on Storytelling, Part Three". She found it on Sabrina Ward Harrison's facebook page. I found it fairly inspirational...and I'm not very sappy, so that's saying something. Oh, and I initially watched it with the sound turned off. I found it even more powerful that way.

On that note...I'm going to go be creative...with coupons...and Project Life...

Please Don't Make Your Child Afraid Of Me

I don't typically write about work on the blog. In fact, I rather like to keep it separate from what I consider to be my "fun". But...there have been some experiences at the office lately that have made me realize that maybe a little Public Service Announcement is in order to help some clueless parents wake up. The basic premise of this post - think before you speak and follow the golden rule (you know, do unto others as you would have done unto you).

In my practice I see a lot of kids. A LOT. I would say nearly 80% of my day is filled with patients under the age of twelve. I enjoy that. Kids are usually a really fun part of my day. What I don't enjoy is when an ignorant parent ruins the child's experience with me before it even gets started, making it more difficult on everyone involved.

Nearly every child has some form of an innate fear of or nervousness around medical professionals. That's just the way it is. Things are foreign and scary. I expect that. But that small level of fear is typically easy to work through by building a little trust. In our office, we call this tell, show, do. Basically I tell the child what I'm going to do, show them what I'm going to use (sometimes demonstrating on my hand or theirs) and then we actually move forward with the procedure. This takes away a lot of the unknown and a good majority of kids learn quickly that we are there to help them and that sometimes it can even be fun to go to the dentist.

But...then there are the other, let's say 10%. These children are ruined for me. I will never gain their trust. I will never be able to work on them with everyone in the room being calm and comfortable. In fact, I may not be able to work on them at all. I may have to refer them for sedation dentistry or it may take me years to get them to trust me enough to even lay back in the chair. Why? Because these children have parents who have increased their fear and made the dental office a bad place to be.

There are three typical scenarios for this problem :

1. Mom or Dad had a bad experience as a kid or is phobic as an adult - and they share this with the child.

Okay...you had a rough time at a prior visit. Maybe you couldn't stay numb. Maybe you had a tooth that was in a lot of pain before getting worked on. There are unfortunate bad experiences out there. But please don't poison your child's idea of what it will be like.

Don't tell them "when Mommy was little it really hurt to go to the dentist and he/she was really mean." Really? Your kids trust you. They're going to believe you over me. If you're telling them that dentists are mean before they even meet me, what are the chances they even want to let me lay a finger on them? I'll tell you: slim to none.

2. Parents threaten their child with a trip to the dentist if they don't brush their teeth.

Please, please don't threaten your children in order to improve their oral hygiene. Don't tell them that if they don't brush they'll have to go to the dentist and get a shot. Are you kidding me? How would you react if someone said that to you? Imagine going in to see a physician for some ailment that needs treatment via surgery. What if the physician said to you "this procedure is really going to hurt - a lot. You're going to be totally miserable and I'm going to be really mean to you"? Would you want the surgery done? Of course not! You'd be reluctant and nervous.

THIS is what happens when you threaten your child. If you want to motivate your child to do a good job on their oral hygiene, help them, teach them and reward them. (All children under the age of seven need some assistance from adult. Some children will need help or "checking" into their preteen years.) Teach your child why it is important to have good oral hygiene. Let them know that leaving food on their teeth can let tooth bugs make holes and that once the bugs have made those holes, the tooth won't heal itself. It will be broken. Let them know that they need those teeth for many years to eat all the foods they love and they have to keep them safe. Don't threaten them with a painful procedure.

3. Children are incorrectly prepared for having treatment.

If I diagnose a cavity and you tell them on the car ride home that they're going to get a shot and it's really going to hurt, it no longer matters what else you or I have to say. All they have in their little heads is that the next time they set foot in my door, I'm going to hurt them.

I am not sadistic. I do not get pleasure out of torturing my poor little patients. I do not relish in their pain. Quite the opposite actually. The philosophy of my office is to never force a child to do something they don't want to do. The very rare exception to this rule is if I am involved in the procedure to a point where leaving things as is will cause them harm. At that point, we have to finish. But if we're seeing a patient for a cleaning and they are terrified of leaning back in the chair, we work with that. There is not force, there is no threatening. There is only reward. Positive reinforcement is the way to go. If a patient is a helper for me and we finish what we have planned, then they get to pick a prize. Most of my patients love that. The prize is a good motivator. Help me by doing the same. Use praise, not fear. If a child does get a cavity, it's not the end of the world. We'll fix it. They just have to work harder on keeping their teeth clean next time. Healthy teeth are happy teeth.

The key to keeping your child from being afraid of the dentist (or other medical professionals) is to talk on their level. If you're going to talk to them about a procedure, use what we call "soft language". Sure, you can prepare your kid for their filling appointment. But tell them that we're going to give their tooth some sleepy juice or that we're going to give it medicine to make it numb. Think before you speak. Don't say we're going to use a needle to give them a shot. Honestly, when I hear this come out of a parent's mouth, I just want to smack them across the face. Thanks. You've now managed to ruin the appointment for your child, my assistant or hygienist, and myself. We have done this hundreds of times. We know what we're doing. Trust us when we tell you how to approach these things.

Bottom line - do you want your kid to be happy or terrified? The majority of the outcome is up to you. Is there the possibility of a bad experience? Of course. Unfortunately they do happen. Are there still going to be some children terrified of the dentist even if the parents have done everything right? Yes. This does happen and sometimes it is very hard to work through.

I can't speak for all other providers, but I know that in my office we work very hard to prevent bad experiences. We listen to the child. We let them guide us in what we can do. We involve them, we teach them and we encourage them. The end goal for me is always a patient who will have a lifetime of good oral hygiene and good dental experiences. Having happy kids in my chair is what really makes my day worthwhile. There's nothing better than going to get a six-year-old from the waiting room and having them yell for everyone to hear "I love the dentist!" (And yes, this has happened.)

Bipolar Disorder Can Suck It

Well...story of my life...I'm deviating from the plan. I was meant to write about how and why to inventory prior to meal planning...but that won't be happening. Today is a rough day.

This is somewhat how I feel today.

Some of you may already know about my struggles, either because you really know me closely or because you've dug into the old archives of this blog (stalkers...). Well, today is one of my rough days. I'm somewhat hesitant to even complete this post, but I think it might be important. I have spoken about my issues before (I hate to call it an illness), but that was before there were actually people who read this blog. Now with traffic picking up I'm not sure how to balance it. There are people out there who are wonderful and supportive and understanding, but there are also others who don't really understand it at all. I'm a professional, having something be mentally "off" about me could cost me patients, business, income. It's scary in a time where things are already tough at the office.

I'm terrified to do this - I don't want any of you to think less of me, to walk away from this blog thinking...Wow. That lady has serious issues. I always worry about what everyone else will think of me - even those who are the closest to me. I'm worried about losing it all.

For those of you who are already lost and confused I guess I'll suck it up and just be blunt. I have a mental illness. I have an anxiety disorder and I've been diagnosed in the past with depression and bipolar disorder, type 2. To be frank, the docs don't really have a firm handle on what to call me. I'm not a typical bipolar. Bipolar type 2 is less about the manic stuff and is characterized more by the depressive periods. I don't hear voices, I don't have hallucinations. I guess the best way to say it is to say that I don't always have control over how I feel about myself. It's important to understand that this doesn't mean that I can't function. It doesn't mean I can't be responsible or "professional" or reliable. I am very capable of doing the job I do and I am very capable of living a normal life. I just have days that are more difficult than others.

Here's the story of today. I could feel it coming on yesterday. I'll be honest. I've learned to recognize the signs. I am on medication - for those who are interested - and so I stay on an even keel most of the time. I am also very good at hiding my illness (Ick. Seriously. Hate calling it that.) from those who know me but don't know me. Sometimes I'm even good at hiding it from my family and closest of friends.

Last night I could just feel the weight. It's hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it, but I just feel heavier. Like there is a lead blanket on my shoulders holding me down. I find it harder to breathe, to move. I just start operating slower. I started to get the hint of a migraine so I did the best to nip it in the bud. I kept the migraine from going full force by laying in bed and keeping the lights low, television off. But I didn't stop it all.

This morning I knew it the second I woke up. I just wanted to burrow back down in my bed. I tried to get up. I tried to prompt myself to just move and shake it off. To an extent I suppose I succeeded. I ate breakfast, fed the dogs and took a shower. It's sad to say this, but I consider the fact that I took a shower on a day like today a pretty good accomplishment.

At that point I stalled out slightly. When I'm in this kind of a mood if I get something stuck in my head it just won't go away. Picking out clothes I had decided that I wanted to wear a particular white shirt and jeans. I really wanted a specific sweatshirt, but I knew it was in the wash. I was able to let that go. Unfortunately, this is when I discovered that the shirt I wanted was also in the wash. Sadly, I almost melted down. I kept telling myself to breathe, that it's okay - it's just a shirt - pick another one - you're not going anywhere today anyway - who are you trying to impress? That's how the thoughts go. Racing, crazy but at the same time recognizing the crazy and trying to stop it. That's the hard part. You don't have to tell me that these actions are nuts. I already know it. That makes it a hundred times worse. I feel stupid and inept. Who loses it over a stupid white t-shirt? It's freaking crazy.

Then it morphed. Enter the anxiety. Collin is on shift for the next 24 hours. I know he's at work. I'm aware of what he's doing. But my mind doesn't care. It just starts winding up. What else could be going on? What other crazy ideas can come in? Maybe he's not at work. Maybe he lied. Maybe he's off with friends. Maybe he's off with some other girl. Maybe he doesn't really love me. Blah, blah, blah. It's freaking psychotic. I hate it. Especially since at the same time I'm telling myself that it's stupid and I know better. I'm wound tighter than a drum and just...buzzing. Really, that's what it feels like - jumping out of my skin. It feels like my whole body is just humming. A little tingle like when your foot falls asleep - all OVER my body.

I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. Generally I can stop it at this point, breathe and calm a little, but I have to find a release. Typically that means calling Collin. Well, he's at work. So that won't do. Instead I sent him a text. "Struggling a little. Sorry. Please just text me when you can." He knows. I don't have to explain beyond that. He's been through this enough before. He's busy with a patient, but sent me a quick text to tell me to hang in there and that he'll call me soon. This keeps it at bay for a bit. I don't know why, it just does.

One of these attacks got really bad a few years ago. It was when Collin and I had broken up and I was getting ready for work in the morning. I felt the buzzing. I knew something was coming, but I just sat down to try and calm myself. At that point I couldn't breathe. Couldn't. I felt like a fish out of water, moving my mouth trying to gulp the air and getting nowhere. My fingers started to go numb, I started to shake. I didn't know what to do. I paced back and forth in the bathroom. So what did I do? I called Collin. We weren't even together at the time, but I knew he would help. I called him, crying and wheezing telling him I didn't feel good and I couldn't stop. In two minutes he had me talked back down. Not completely gone, but enough that I could regroup, get ready and finish my day. It's just one of those times where I knew that he really  loved me. I'm very thankful that he's so giving. I really look at it as him having saved me that day.

So now I'm laying on a half made bed, cats sprawled out around me. I'm wrapped in a blanket with the TV on, blogging and talking with Patti. I'm not all the way there. I know it's still going to be a rough day. But now I have an outlet. I've written all of this down and it helps. Talking to Patti helps. Knowing that Collin will call later helps.  I'm pushing down the panic and trying not to cry. I just have to not think about how this could all go horribly wrong depending on how my readers feel about this post. I have to hope that those who are my patients will not leave my practice because they think I'm crazy. I have to hope that they will realize that I would never continue to practice if I thought that I would be jeopardizing my patients in any way.

This is a very difficult thing to deal with. Especially since I'm someone who feels the need to be strong and in control. I hate having something have some kind of control over me. It's embarrassing and irritating. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like I can't just tell myself to stop and be done with it. My mind doesn't care that I don't have the time to deal with it. It doesn't care that I would rather be happy or that I would rather be getting my inventory done and photographed so I could write the post I meant to write.

For those of you who haven't been exposed to it before, I just ask one thing. Don't judge those who have any form of mental illness. You don't know how it really affects them. The illness is not them. Don't let it define them for you. No one wants this crap. It's bologna. It can wreck you if you let it. Just be there for them. Understand that everyone has a few cracks in the facade. But be supportive and they will pick themselves back up. Help them to realize it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to take the medication they need.

Mental illness has a bad wrap...and not in the way that it should. The illness itself...well, I'll just say it...it's bullshit. It's an ass and no one likes having it around. The people themselves are not the illnesses they have. They should not have the bad wrap. They should not have the stigma of being "crazy". They should not be thought less of or avoided.

 I don't know about everyone else, but I think I'm just as capable as anyone else. In fact, I think I can be pretty awesome on occasion. So suck it BP.

All in the Family: The Time Crazy Neighbor Tried to Kill His Kid

I know you have all been chomping at the bit waiting for another Crazy Neighbor (CN) story.  After all that time of being patient (you've all done very well and I'm proud of you)...IT'S HERE!

I mentioned last time that CN has a penchant for motorized vehicles. Well, his collection includes not one, but two boats. And...as with any other mechanical item, his solution to any issues is to just go ahead and pin the throttle. That'll fix it.

Now we weren't privy to the situation that led up to it, but we were home relaxing one Saturday morning (sleeping in and not showering until nearly noon)...when we heard quite a racket from outside the bedroom window. We both knew pretty quickly that CN was at it again, but we could never have imagined the fantastical sight that was awaiting us.

The layout of our house is not ideal. Our master bedroom is on the main floor (which I love), but it backs up pretty much to his driveway. As such, looking out the bedroom windows gives us a pretty clear view of any destructive processes taking place out front. Unfortunately, this also makes it very painful for us when CN decides to undertake projects in the dead of night. Loss of sleep has occurred frequently. There have been two situations where I have nearly called the cops and complained about his "disturbing the peace". I am proud to say that I have never followed through on this tempting solution.

On this particular day, I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup when Collin called me from the bedroom. "You've GOT to come see this!" Now, generally I'm the one who gets most excited about the antics of CN. To have Collin giggling like a school girl in the next room promised something amazing.

Oh the wonderous things we are exposed to!  The noise we had been hearing was the roar of his boat motor (outboard motor, in case you're wondering). You may say to yourself, hey...aren't you only supposed to run those in water? And to this question I would say, yes...yes you are. But don't worry...CN thought about this before firing it up.

Something a little larger than this, but you get the visual.

Now if it had been me - or really any other rational person I know - I think the boat would've been taken down to the lake or the marina to check it out. Or hey, maybe even to the repair shop to have someone who actually knows what they're doing weigh in. CN? Nope. Not even close.

Out in the driveway, CN sat up front in the boat with hands on the throttle. He was facing across the street and fiddling with something in the controls. The motor? It was submerged in a large plastic garbage can filled with water. Wait...it gets better.

Pretty sure this action isn't listed on the manufacturer's suggested uses.

 
If you're picturing this in your head then you're probably wondering how the garbage can could possibly high up enough to reach up to, let alone over, the motor of a boat on a trailer.  Well guess what? It can't. But CN thought about that too. He enlisted the help of his eldest son, henceforth to be known as Thing 1.

Just swap out the blue hair for blonde...check.

At the time, Thing 1 was around 10 years old. He's a pretty slight thing, average height for his age, but not super bulky. Yet there he was...holding the garbage can up off of the ground, leaned up against the trailer...while dear Daddy floored the motor. Water was careening over Thing 1's head in torrents. The garbage can was shaking wildly. Thing 1 was yelling loudly and incomprehensibly. I think this irritated CN. How dare that child wreck his ingenious plan?! He stopped momentarily to reposition the trash can and yell profusely at his child. I can attest with near certainty that there was a copious amount of swearing.

Meanwhile, Collin and I were inside stifling our laughs and pinching ourselves as we enjoyed quite possibly the best weekend entertainment well...pretty much EVER. We just kept waiting for the moment when the certain atrocity would take place. We were both picturing some form of horror scene with loss of blood and potentially limbs. Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Perfect Storm. Yes, the child may have been in harm's way and probably not under the influence of the best parenting, but (and I am occasionally sort of kind of not proud of this) we just shrugged our shoulders, looked at each other, and one of us mumbled something about how if something happened, at least CN would be able to put his kid back together.

Relating this story, I am still somewhat stunned about what I saw on that day. Who really ever thinks they'll catch their neighbor attempting to maim their own child with watercraft on dry land? You know that old adage about smart people not really having common sense? Ya...pretty sure that was the best example I will ever be witness to.

It was short lived revelry. Thing 1 was (predictably) not strong enough to hold the garbage can up to the appropriate height for long enough and it came crashing to the ground. I think maybe at this point CN realized that having his child mere inches from a swiftly rotating propeller was probably a bad idea. Or maybe he just decided that pinning the throttle wasn't going to fix whatever he thought was wrong. (I'm placing my money on number two.) He cut the motor and packed in the project. And with that our entertainment ended.

I don't know what was wrong with the boat that day, nor do I know how he got it fixed, but I will say this - I enjoyed that semi-tense couple of minutes...watching my own version of a train wreck.

Tales of Crazy Neighbor, Installment #1

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter then you no doubt by now know that I have a crazy neighbor. Being as he woke me in the wee hours of the morning and has more or less resulted in my zombie-like status today, I found it only fitting to share a tale of crazy neighbor today. And fear not, I'm sure there will be plenty of new crazy neighbor stories to come.

Crazy Neighbor is a divorced, middle-aged man who looks something like a chubby and angry Rick Moranis. He is not the friendly type. When told about Crazy Neighbor, my parents seem concerned that he may some day turn into some psycho knife wielding maniac. I don't worry about this. He is neither coordinated nor forward thinking enough to pull off this plan. Plus, he has no ability to be stealthy. I'd totally see him coming.

This gives you an idea of what I'm dealing with...though he is decidedly more grumpy.

I feel it only appropriate to  introduce you to Crazy Neighbor with a story about how I first came to meet him...well, actually more of a come to know of him. I bought our current house about five years ago. The former owners never mentioned issues with said neighbor other than the fact that his kids were a bit rowdy. Obviously they were in a hurry to get out of this house and knew he would immediately kill any sale. I'm pretty sure they scheduled all of my viewings/inspections of the house around his work schedule, attempting to ensure that he wouldn't botch the deal.

So it was only after the papers were signed and it was a done deal that another neighbor (who I had already known for a few years) told me the story of what had happened the week before. We'll call this neighbor (who I really like), Bob. I had noticed as I was moving in that the neighbors across the street had a large piece of plywood installed in their den window. I thought maybe there was some sort of burglary (maybe my nice new neighborhood wasn't as safe as I had hoped), so I asked Bob about it. In hushed undertones he began the story that would set the stage for the next five years.

It is important to understand that Crazy Neighbor has a penchant for things of the motorized variety. He however is not very mechanically inclined. In this way he reminds me of my brother, who managed to destroy every car my family owned once he turned driving age and who cannot be trusted to operate any wheeled vehicle, motorized or not. But those are stories for another day.

Anyway, ol' Crazy was working in the driveway to apparently try and "fix" one of his four-wheelers. From what I gather, this was a child's four-wheeler with what I'm told was a centrifugal clutch. The centrifugal part was apparently an important detail because it was repeated by Bob several times during the story. Being that I am just one step above Crazy Neighbor in mechanical aptitude, this means nothing to me, but I generally understand the principle of a clutch. Said clutch was apparently sticking and in order to attempt to repair it, Crazy Neighbor decided to rev the engine at full open throttle to dislodge it. This is Crazy Neighbor's solution to any motorized situation. It's somewhat critical to the understanding of the level of genius we're dealing with here, but I feel that I may have given away the linchpin to the Crazy Neighbor saga. Oh well. This time his monkey skills apparently and temporarily worked. The clutch "unstuck" just long enough to pin the throttle at full bore and the four-wheeler went tearing across the street unmanned.

The ATV crossed the street, jumped the curb, mowed through some shrubbery and plowed through the front window of the neighbors' house across the street. The neighbor owning the house had just left the room after working on his computer. Sitting there a mere two minutes longer would've resulted in him being crushed by the careening vehicle. I dare say Crazy Neighbor drew a lucky straw on that one.

So this was my introduction. It became clear in how Bob told the story that this was not the sole incident in the neighborhood and that Crazy Neighbor had a bad rap. I didn't pry. I was new to the neighborhood and didn't want to be "that lady". In retrospect, perhaps I should have encouraged further gossip and then enforced my "lemon law" clause on the house. But, instead I smiled and maybe giggled some and then went back to my unpacking.

At the time I moved in, Crazy Neighbor was not divorced but instead lived in the house next door with his wife and two boys. The entire family was a piece of work. The wife ran our homeowner's association with an iron fist - trying to fill her day with itemizing the violations of others. She felt the need to point out that the homeowners on the next street over had the wrong color of decorative rock in their yard and another had *gasp* bark. In order to fully inform you how silly this was, Crazy Neighbor's house also has the wrong color of rock. Insert facepalm here. She also thwarted our idea to install a flagpole at the corner of the yard as she was concerned that the sound of the rope hitting the pole during a breeze would wake her. I think she really needed to find a hobby.

And then there were the boys. Now, in general I like kids and I can understand boys being rowdy. Fine, I have brothers, I get it. But no, these children were Satan's spawn, destroying everything in their path. They rode their bikes directly through my front lawn, taunted my dogs by shooting air soft guns at them and shot bottle rockets at the house. They also threw a baseball directly through my vinyl fence. How is this even possible? I'm pretty sure I can assert that this was not an accident. Of course their mother was oblivious when Collin went over to ask when we might expect it to be repaired. Her darling children had not informed her.

The kids were frequently chucking things over the fence and then retrieving them from our backyard without giving us notice. At first, I didn't find this to be a big deal. But one winter morning I looked out the back door to see child-sized footprints in the snow all the way across my lawn, to the other side of the yard, and near the dog kennel. There was no real understanding of why this should be. 

This leads us into our next story, as this was also when the dog taunting began. They would stand on the boat parked next to our fence, hollering at the dogs and throwing things (Cheetos, rocks, silly string, etc.). I yelled at them for this more than once. Now Piper and Harley were hardly phased and generally remained on the patio undisturbed. But once we got Sadie, it was a different story. Sadie is very protective of the yard and will go nuts when she thinks anyone might invade. I had nightmares of her mangling one of Crazy Neighbor's children for coming in the yard. So...we installed a lock on the fence. I figured if they lost something in the yard they were more than welcome to knock on the door to ask for it back. I didn't need to be sued. (As a side note, I'm pretty sure psychologists have linked cruelty to animals to psychotic behavior as adults.)

Up to this point, I had not had any face to face interactions with Crazy Neighbor himself, as he was rarely home. But around this time, Collin and I went out of town for a concert, leaving both Darian and our house in the care of Collin's mother. When we got back a new Crazy Neighbor story was awaiting us. Apparently, the demon spawn had again lost something in the backyard and discovered the lock on the gate. They took this issue to their father. Soon after, Carole received a knock at our front door.

Instead of a "Hey, my kids managed to throw something over the fence, do you mind if I go get it?", she was greeted with a "YOU LOCKED THE GATE!!" Not, your gate is locked. No, this was the gate. Now serious props to Carole, as she handles most morons fantastically. This situation was no different. She simply stared him in the face and said "Yep." Crazy Neighbor repeated the accusation and grew increasingly irate "WHY DID YOU LOCK THE GATE? YOU CAN'T LOCK THE GATE!" Carole, in her infinite wisdom replied "Actually, they can. This is private property," and promptly shut the door in crazy neighbor's face. Well played Carole, well played.

So now you know a little of what we're dealing with over here. Don't worry...the story doesn't end there. Oh no, this story is just beginning. It grows more colorful as the years go on until we reach this morning, when I woke to the sound of a revving four-wheeler at 4 a.m. Crazy Neighbor apparently felt the intense urge to load his trailer and clean the garage...with the doors open...with the ShopVac. Did I mention that this was at 4 a.m.? Oh, and this is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You have not yet seen what Crazy Neighbor is capable of.