Thursday, October 20, 2011

He's BAAAACK! Crazy Neighbor vs. Auto

I'm feeling a little wiped out and drained tonight after a day of fighting of a cold with a ridiculous dry cough. So...I've decided to keep it light and bring you all another tale of Crazy Neighbor.

I've been thinking about Crazy Neighbor a little bit lately. He is currently missing. Not missing in the sense that there is a search party and the potential for imminent danger - though that would be exciting. He has been mysteriously absent for about two weeks now. It's been magically quiet in our neighborhood, with the exception of the short period last week when our other neighbors were out of town and their poor dog decided he missed them. (Sadie kept sitting by our back fence worried about his cries from the other side.)

We know that it's not an unexpected absence...his daughter has been over at least once each week pulling weeds and trimming trees. So I've began to contemplate the possibilities this morning. (Yes. I was that bored.) I think I may have figured it out, but if I'm right then there is the potential for some very frightening tales. I'll keep my eyes open for him coming back and I'll keep you posted.

So we've already spoken about CN's issues with an ATV and we're going to speak of the basic automobile. (I'm telling you...there is no end to this fun.)

Don't let her fool you. She's an evil minx.

I came home from work this past spring to see CN out in his driveway with his garage doors open. He was pacing around in a circle with his hands up akimbo to his head like a sprinter trying to walk off the exertion of a 50m dash. That's all it took. I was curious. I pulled into my garage and (after a quick trip to the bathroom) went to the other side of the house. As soon as I got into my bedroom I heard the cursing begin.

There were words uttered by that man that I'm not sure I had ever heard spoken before. It was epic. Strings of profanity exclaimed at volume levels that may very well have broken the sound barrier. Keep in mind that this was in the early evening of a weekday and there are small, impressionable children in our neighborhood who were out playing.

He may have memorized this.

He had stomped back inside the garage. I quickly gathered that he was angry at the car. He shouted and pointed his finger angrily at the poor sedan calling it a whore and other colorful euphemisms. Had I not had visual I would've assumed that he was having an argument with the girlfriend. He was brutal and ruthless. I could hardly contain my laughter. I texted Collin immediately and told him to hurry home from work - he was missing the show.

The anger escalated. He was underneath the car at the trunk one second and then standing next the the car kicking it violently the next. I was confused to say the least. I looked hard at the car to see if I could figure it out. From what I could see from my vantage point, it would appear that someone (although the girlfriend was a likely candidate I'm going to go with good ol' CN himself) had run over something and bent the exhaust system under the car as well as the passenger side fender.

At this point you might think to yourself, wouldn't it be best for him just to take it to a body shop. This was a new car (I would say less than a year old). Well of course it would, but don't be silly, this is CN we're talking about. He can fix anything. Don't believe me? Just ask him. Apparently though, this one had him flummoxed. No amount of revving would help mend the twisted mess of metal under that car.

I turned away for a moment to answer my phone. I giggled like a Japanese anime girl while I explained the situation to Collin. He was stuck at work and totally devastated to know what he was missing. After finishing the call I looked back out the window. Oh holy night, the scene I landed on. It was magical!

The perfect solution to a bent tailpipe. It is a PIPE wrench after all.

Perhaps you are familiar with a pipe wrench? Ya...I'm talking the tool the Mario Brothers use. You know, the one that's longer than half of their bodies?  CN had busted this out and jammed it into the exhaust pipe. Yup...apparently he was going to fix this bastard with a steel enema.  The cursing got intermingled with grunting as I watched him try and bend the metal with the handle of the pipe wrench, pulling with all his might and turning a rather impressive shade of red.

Minus moustache, plus obscenities.

Thank goodness I had just used the bathroom or I'm pretty sure my laughter would've caused a small leakage problem. It was like a monkey with a shoehorn. This went on for about five minutes - I'm not kidding you...five SOLID minutes - before he gave up. But...before he went inside he got in one more jab. He swung the pipe wrench and smacked the side of the exhaust pipe. Well...that'll teach it. He then threw the pipe wrench across the garage and kicked the car in the fender for good measure. Hysterical.

This is where he finally gave up. He walked into the house and slammed the door still loudly yelling obscenities as the garage door closed. It was like watching the curtain drop on a Broadway play. It truly deserved a standing ovation.

So...with gems like this you can now understand why I find myself itching to know where he has gone. I'm so excited to see if my guess is correct. If so...the potential for a GLORIOUS blog post awaits. Until next time everyone!!


  1. I'm just glad the car didn't explode right then and there. (Or maybe it DID, and that's where he went? Eaten by the angry car?)

  2. You get all the fun with your neighbor! The last house I lived in had neighbors who just liked to play beer pong loudly till 3am which was more angering than funny!

  3. He is a very interesting neighbor. It's actually been a little disturbing having it be so quiet around here. After five years of his shenanigan's we're used to their being some form of weekly drama.


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